Saturday, 14 April 2007
I should be doing the right thing and sunbathing in Hulme Park, but I've just come back from my second day of helping Andy roofing and I have learned one thing. I am not a roofer.
First of all, I'm scared of heights.
yesterday I went up on the ladder and froze. I'm such a pussy.
Secondly, it's dirty. Really dirty.
thirdly, The roof tiles fuck up my hands.
Andy was on the roof jet spraying the moss off (there was over a ton of it) and I swept it up and bagged it. The thing is, the roof was MASSIVE. But I didn't whinge. Much.
yesterday evening was fun, deciding not to go out, Andy and I shattered had some Chinese food and pissed about on the internet. I introduced him to Camfrog, where we both found ourselves with our shirts off in the gay mens room teasing several people from around the world. A few bottles of wine later and it was nearing 11pm, so Andy suggested we go to cruz for a few hours. The plan was to be back by two. that was the plan, we start in spirit, then head to cruz and about 1.45, i'm like... Andy.. It's time to go, we got an early start... "lets get a drink".. "No, Andy, we have to go" After thrusting a bottle of poppers up my nose, I found myself dancing to a track from Dirty Dancing on the stage... then as I came to my senses, I was again "Andy, we have to go!!" literally dragging him off the dancefloor to the coat check, It was like trying to get a toddler to behave! we made it out of cruz and went and got some food and sat in the village chatting to different Random people.. there was this cool girl from Blackpool, But I haven't got a clue what we talked about...
After some much, Andy and I got into a taxi, which made it to the end of the road before Andy JUMPED OUT!!, I'm like "sorry mate" to the cab driver and chased Andy down the street..
"lets go to Essential"
"Andy, what the FUCK do you think you are doing?!"
"come on... we can finish the job on Monday, call the customer tomorrow and we'll finish it Monday"
"Oh My God"
after being dragged to Essential, where we met Russell and Kev, I had completely sobred up and was NOT in the mood at all. I had a vodka redbull, and I'm like "fuck this. I'm going home" and I left.... after finally getting a taxi, I got home to find Andy at the front door!
Chatting till about 5am. I got up this morning at 9, went to work, feeling like shit run over twice. I got back an hour ago, Andy and his boyfriend used up all the hot water, so now, I'm just waiting for it to reheat.
I'm so shattered.
Thursday, 12 April 2007
Well, the findaway films website is finally up! it needs a lot of work still and is basic, but the bones are there.. just needs a little meat!
I've been having quite a chilled week, only worked one day and i'm going roofing with Andy tomorrow which is going to be hilarious as (and my family will back my up with this) I'm totally crap at physical labour!
Anyway. I'll let you know all about it.
Monday, 9 April 2007
I've been really lazy recently, when it comes to this blog. And, I wish I can say that I'm going to write something substantial here to make up for my absence. But I probably wont.
I've been thinking a lot about profiles. I've been chatting on gaydar today.. even though I said I was going to delete my profile, but fuck it! It's easter and I thought, after a bump of K I would see what's out there.
I don't get guys who take photos of their cars and put them on their profiles. I don't care that you have an astra.
Oh, I (almost) pulled on Thursday, it was well funny. I went to the guys apartment, after only being in Essential for 20 mins, so he could get changed. We snogged for a bit.. and that was it! The fucker made me pay for a taxi home then had the ordasity to ask me to buy him a drink. If I could remember his name, or what he looked liked I would avoid him if I were you. But I probably wont… wow, that's the most schizophrenic thing we've said all day.
Told you there would be nothing substantial.
Oh, in local news. Got the job on the film. Touch Down is also nearly finished.
Sunday, 25 March 2007
Its been an interesting few days. On Thursday I went to Pinewood studios to meet with a producer and director about working on a Feature Film, It seemed to go well and word is that they have not seen anyone else for the job, but it is a couple of hundred miles away and I don't drive. That's the only thing going against me I think.
I went out with some people from the film and Kat on Friday night, which was a lot of fun, I drunk way too much and the end of the evening is a little bit of a blur. Before meeting the guys I was already on it with Andy and Kev and his friend Leona, we went to Tribeca for lunch and the queer for one before going to see '300' at the IMAX. looks great, but there is not else much there.
After trying to get over my hangover on Saturday Mike and I went to see a cut of the film. It's still in it's early stages, but the content is defiantly there and the film looks and sounds great. Its quite heavy and even though it's 10/11 mins long, it only feels like 4 or 5, so It's one you'd want to see again, I think. So I'm confident we are onto some thing special.
Next week is my last week working for Carillion. I was supposed to finish at the end of April, but because productivity has been high a good number of us have had our contracts cut by a month. Which is a bit of a shit. funny how you think somethings are true, and you find out later that you're being strung along. It seems to happen in varying parts of my life, and I'm becoming quite wise to it.
I know what is curse is. Passion. It's both a gift and a curse.
I throw myself whole heartily into things, and it's been shaping my personality for years now. For example, I just couldn't come out, I exploded out. I can't quietly fancy someone, I fall in love with them. I have such strong emotions at times that I feel really let down by people, when they probably haven't done anything wrong. And recently, I've been feeling a lot more insecure and isolated. It's a strange thing to want something so much and have a feeling that it wont come off. Touch Down is a project that I've worked harder on than anything else, I've spend ages putting elements of the website together, a lot of them being vetoed and I guess I'm scared of loosing it. I've tip toed around people and bitten my tongue as I know that in the past I have screwed things up by opening my mouth when I shouldn't. I've seen the film once in a rough cut form and honestly, now, I can't remember any of it.
Wednesday, 21 March 2007
"Only a few get to be born twice in a single month" the promo says, which yesterday I posted on my myspace page and the findaway myspace page. Cobbled together with stills from Touch Down, with a sexy track it's a little teaser for the film, but more than that it's an introduction to us.
I've been working on banners, internet ads and I'm starting to plug Touch Down and get some interest going.
We may just be this little short film that a few dozen people have worked hard to put together, but Findaway is capable of so much more. With Sex With Friends, Write me out of Rusholme, Conversations with Me and an untitled project based around the death penalty, all these ideas that are being bounced around at the moment certainly make for an interesting future that we hold.
It think it's certainly fortunate that between Mike and myself, together have much life experience and a passion that only a few understand. The fact also that we are both writers, I think it's apt that the promo ends with the words "for the love"
So, Are you sitting comfortably?
The Countdown has begun.
Tuesday, 20 March 2007
I would pick up my bag and coat, and thank me supervisor for the last few weeks and I would walk out the door, light a cigarette and get on the bus. I'd then go home and hope that no one is in so I can look at some Internet porn and have a wank.
tomorrow I'd get up and shit a brick because of not having a job. I'd regret walking out and later in the day I'd probably have a panic attack.
I hate temping.
So now that I've solved (or given up on) the 911 extravaganza I'm going back to Romance.
- Try not to compare the men you meet to someone, because you'll just want the person you are comparing them more and more.
- Be confident. Even if I get shot down time and time again, I shouldn't let it get to me. If I get shot down, it clearly was never meant to be.
- Meeting a guy off the Internet can be considered really sad, but then after sifting through cock shots and being asked "What am I into?" I think that perhaps using myspace or facebook may be a better way of meeting some. Yes, I will be deleting that gaydar profile.
- Have more self respect. Do you know how many straight guys have fooled around with me? believe me, it's more than it should be. Even today, I should have more self respect. Afterwards, he's ashamed and I'm left with a head-fuck. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
- Secrets and Lies. I rest my case.
- Canal Street. Everyone in their drunken, drugged up state believe that they can pull that bloke from the Calvin Klein advert on the tube so they keep looking around for someone better and yes, if I'm talking about your boyfriend. He will cheat on you. (The Cunt)
- Drugs. If you don't even know who you are then how the fuck is someone going to get to know you. What I would advise when meeting someone on drugs is to get him to write his name on the back of your hand. (I'm sure he'll understand)
Monday, 19 March 2007
This morning and right now, I feel like I'm going to die. I'm concentrating all my energies into keeping my eyes open and I'm try to stay alive; and I'm wishing that yesterday I had just gone to sleep. Is that Ironic? I'm to tired to care, actually.
This weekend was pretty similar, I hung out at the hostel mainly with Alex chatting and then we came back to mine where we watched a really interesting documentary "Loose Change" it's a conspiracy theory documentary about 9/11. Now, I'm not usually a sucker for documentaries and I think you'd have to be a fucking retard to think that the US Government would actually be responsible for something like that. But then I saw the documentary and it really got me thinking. I invite all to download the film (which you can for free or watch it streaming from the website) and draw your own conclusions. find it at www.loosechange911.com
I'm coming down. I have hardly slept and fucking lazy stupid people keep asking me questions that they should already know the answers too. I've got 2 days off work for holiday this week because of London, but I feel like utter shit today and I really want to go home.. but I can't, there's too much to do.. "blah blah"
I also hear (from Alex) that facebook is the new Myspace. Do you use facebook? come find me and lets put it to the test.
Saturday, 17 March 2007
Well, it's been one hell of a journey, but this week, as I mentioned before I have got a dvd copy of the rushes and here are a few screenshots. You'll have to ignore the timecode I'm afraid, but I just want everyone to know that post production is well underway and I'm really excited.
I do ask one thing. Please don't copy any of these pics!
So for your enjoyment....
Friday, 16 March 2007
Thursday, 15 March 2007
I'm sitting down with some pate (not exactly diet food, I know) and considering a bowl of Oatibix with some semi-skimmed milk because I missed dinner; because this evening I had drinks with Mike and picked up a copy of Touch Down's rushes on DVD. I've been watching them for the last 45 mins and I'm feeling so happy right now, it's amazing. The film looks amazing. Gritty and real, the acting is first class and (from what i've heard) sounds pretty darn good too.
I feel like i've finally found what I was always mean't to do. It's quite a feeling to be proud and humble all at the same time.
So I want to thank everyone who worked on this film. I believe we are all onto something very special, and what we may have is this little short film, I am so proud to have been apart of it. And I thank everyone involved, particularly Mike for saving my life.
Will be in contact with everyone shortly with a screening date. It'll most likely be a saturday at noon. Will let you know soon x
I could talk about my housemate who was upset that we went to bed and left the washing up (Kat said she'd do it in the morning) (but he never heard her) and he threw the plates and cutlery that was soaking in the bin!
I could talk about how minging it was that I had to pull the shit out the bin and sanitise it all, and when he came in from work, he never even mentioned it.
I could talk about the fact that the editor of Touch Down is receiving the paper edit tonight and so a rough cut will be done in the next week.
I could talk about the fact that Virgin Active will have to put up with me for the next couple of months as after feeling fatter than a beached whale when I went to essential last week I have decided to plough more than just £32 a month into my figure.
I could also talk about the fact that I'm really fucking impressed with the new series of South Park. And that some people are Literally offended. Very Offended.
But I will talk about the fact that in the next few days the first official screenshots of Touch Down will appear on this website.
And that a rather exciting opportunity has arisen and I've been asked to meet a director about working on a feature film as Production Co-ordinator. I'm keeping my gob shut for now; but It's all very exciting.
Oh, and if you have Gmail - Get Google talk (I can't use MSN at work)
(oh, and I've decided on a new name for the corporate side of things. I did like Findaway Business Film, but after speaking with Mike, we've decided to keep corporate films separate from Findaway. So I'm going to call it 'Fluid'. Something rather sexual about that, don't you think?)
Tuesday, 13 March 2007
There are some things we watch. And there are some things we don't watch.
Like, take my new favourite movie of the moment for example, Pan's Labyrinth. It's a modern Gothic masterpiece. Merging fantasy and reality to unveil a story which bleeds across the screen in an horrific and addictive way. It comes across like a fairy tale, or a brothers Grimm story, but this story, told in the shadows, full of mystery and questions, is as good as the critics have been saying.
That is all.
Monday, 12 March 2007
This weekend was nothing short of mental…
Friday night I finished work and went straight into town to see Alex and we went to the Moon Bar for a much deserved Blanc, before heading back to Hulme where he finally got chance to come over and see the new Pad. Andy had sorted out some party favourites and after getting more wired than is healthy, I went back to the hostel with Alex and Kat to get a shower and iron some clothes (I don't know why I didn't do that at home, it just seemed like a good idea at the time) We then headed to Via on Canal Street and already half cut, we stopped for a pint, hooked up with Andy and went to Queer, for a few drinks and a good ol' dance… Queer was followed by Glam, then Essential, where I was totally off my face dancing like a twat, I felt totally fat as Alex and Andy took their tops off showing off their ribbed sweaty bodies.
Some thing rather amusing about Essential, people always seem to go to the loo in two's and three's!!!
We left Essential and came back to mine for a chillout, where after a few lines of Ketamine, I honestly didn't know what the fuck was going on… at about noon, I went to pick up my new phone and walking to get it I seriously could not move in a straight line.
Come home the K started to wear off and I just passed out for most of the day, I seriously contemplated going out on the Saturday night to Essential and Morning Glory with Andy, but I honestly think my body would have given up, so I stayed home, had a couple of lines and went to bed at about 3am. Sunday, disappeared in a haze as I passed in and out of consciousness.
Sunday, 11 March 2007
Essential, Manchester Friday Night
The Morning After...!
And Believe me... this is sooo true!!!!
Ketamine puts users in a dissociated state, meaning that they are less connected to both a sense of self and the reality around them. If a large enough amount is taken, users may go into or through a "K-hole", a state of wildly dissociated experience in which other worlds or dimensions that are difficult to describe with language are said to be perceived, all the while being completely unaware of their individual identities or the outside world. Users may feel as though their perceptions are located so deep inside the mind that the real world seems distant (hence the use of a "hole" to describe the experience). Some users may not remember this part of the experience after regaining consciousness, in the same way that a person may forget a dream. The "re-integration" process is slow, and the user gradually becomes aware of surroundings. At first, users may not remember their own names, or even know that they are human, or what that means. Movement is extremely difficult, and a user may not be aware that he or she has a body at all
Thursday, 8 March 2007
Things are moving forward on Touchdown. Forward, but rather slowley, it's a little fustrating and things have recently become heated between Mike and myself. It's all sorted now, but I think what a lot of film makers who embark on a low budget project don't really appreciate is the stress that can come from it. Mike says I have to believe that Touch Down will open doors and recently I've become cynical. I think that is why I'm pushing the corporte stuff. Apart from the private screening at the cornerhouse at the end of the Month, Touch Down will not be unvielled until August, at the Edinburgh Film Festival (if selected) And that's a long time to wait for doors to open. So i'm being as proactive as I possibly can, and I'm trying to ignore how overwhelming it all is.
Wednesday, 7 March 2007
I wish I could articulate what family means in a few words. But to be able to do that I need to describe what going home really means.
I'm currently in Bedford as a visitor. But I close my eyes and think of Manchester. I always considered Bedford as home - because home is where you're family is. But it's strange. This feels alien to me. I am sitting, well, lying, in the bed I had, in the room that was to be mine, ten years ago. I was 15/16 years old. The cream walls that were once grey with movie posters, replaced now with a family montage and a photo of Barry scuba diving.
I know I have only lived in Manchester for 4 months now, but my feelings are very similar to this room. Sparse, like something is not quite right. Perhaps the room and I have gone in very different directions. Such has my relationship with this small Market Town.
I am supposed to be going out tomorrow night and I have this horrible feeling that I am going to spend the majority of the night looking over my shoulder. Odd how I can spend the majority of my life in one place to find that I spend the majority of my growing up in another.
The Changes that happen with the people who are from Bedford happen a hell of a lot slower, while there are in Bedford. Though Change is inevitable and it is something you cannot run away from. But the thing is that it is (with me, at least) dependant on my surroundings. "I moved to Bedford to change" is not something I can imagine people saying. But what can I say? With all honesty, coming back here, after all this time is that I know home much I have changed, and it is far more than I ever expected. Kinda like this room.
Have you ever felt like you wanted to be in love with someone so much you were almost willing to trick yourself into believing you were?
Tonight, I did.
Tonight I foolishly went to see Dave at NYNY. I don't know what I was thinking, Perhaps I wanted to remember what it felt like to see him when we were in a relationship. I wanted that excitement? Maybe?
There is something rather shameless about writing on a bus. We're 20 mins late and sitting in the rain in Milton Keynes. Home is just over 3 hours away.
As we pull out I look around at the people around me. Every colour and culture and language can be seen and heard. I can almost hear their thoughts "Don't sit next to me". So for £33, this hot tube of unwanted company begins it's journey.
The weekend was a hit and all the paranoia I had felt about my family and whether I could actually go out in bedford again has been put to rest. I wonder why I went of the rails now. What did it achieve? Nothing, but a sting of expensive hangovers and the worry that things are far worse than they really are.
Everyone has a story. Some people have several stories, I met with my cousin this weekend, He was Anthony Stafford, but with the alternative ending. The ending that people wish will never happen to them.
Loosing his wife, children and eventually his mind he was medicated and vegetated until one night, sleeping is his car he decided to do something about it.
I guess I'm not the only person I know to have slept rough.
I Guess We All Have A Story.
I want to mention something about dreams to finish this rather extended blog.
This is what wikipedia says on the subject:
A dream is the experience of envisioned images, sounds, or other sensations during sleep. The events of dreams are often impossible or unlikely to occur in physical reality, and are usually outside the control of the dreamer. The exception is lucid dreaming, in which a dreamer realizes that they are dreaming, and they are sometimes capable of changing the oneiric reality around him or her and controlling various aspects of the dream, in which the suspension of disbelief is often broken. Dreamers may experience strong emotions while dreaming. Frightening or upsetting dreams are referred to as nightmares. The discipline of dream research is oneirology.
Something for me to think about when I go to bed tonight.
Friday, 2 March 2007
This weekend has been planned for a while now. The Weekend I Go Home. I've been a bit shit, not making it back to Bedford before now, but simply put I love Manchester too much! Now that may sound a bit sad, if someone who is actually in Manchester reads this, but then again, if you compare it to the sleepy town of Bedford there isn't much for a competition.
So this is a weekend that is planned. So, Does that mean it's going to be pretty shite? I'm not sure as yet. I'm certainly excited about seeing my family. (I wonder if I have any Christmas presents?) and Janie... I was on the phone to my mum last night and she was saying that she is expecting me to go out on Saturday night and get battered. hmmm. sounds like a plan!?!?
Anyway.. back to what I was saying.. There are the weekends you plan and the weekends you don't, So even though I've planned to be in Bedford this weekend I'm not going to plan anything beyond that... see where it takes me (I wish I could afford for it to take me down to London to see Equus.. but I'm thinking of going to see that for my b'day.).. So I'm going to make a new, and rather late, resolution.. Not to plan my weekends (in detail) because in this so-so called life of mine.. you never ever know what is round the corner... Peace.
Thursday, 1 March 2007
So I've lost all my numbers that were saved on the phone. I'm going to keep my SIM so, if anyone wants to donate a new handset, I'd really appreciate it (I'm on 02) Anyway.. if you were in my phone, please can you email me your number to firstname.lastname@example.org or send me a message though myspace
Love you x
Originally I had a second montage, there's one at the end of a act one and originally at the end of act two. But I decided to not have it at the end of act three as it simply upsets the pace of the story (though a director may disagree)
After writing a bit, I actually just passed out I must have been so tired. In bed at 8! It's shameful. Kat's going to Cruise tonight, so I'll try and write a bigger chunk
I'm going back to Bedford tomorrow night, and this is my public apology to those I don't get chance to meet. I'm probably going to be with ... (oh my god, I'm writing this at work at the FITTEST bloke just started talking my colleague. wow. I think I'm going to have a hard on) ... anyway, I'm not going to be able to see many people this weekend as I'd like to.. simply because I haven't even seen my family since before December, So I really need to make an effort. (In fact I've only been home once in the last 3/4 months!)
Wednesday, 28 February 2007
An amazing and rather vital film making tool.
On Touch Down we used the clapper board for several things, first of all it enables us to know the slate number, scene, take etc.. but the 'clap' also help us sync the sound.
At the moment, Matt, our editor is trawling through the footage while syncing the sound, and that can take hours. So the post production process can be quite lengthy.
Keep with it. Touch Down will be finished soon x
I feel a new found enthusiasm for Act three now. I need to overcome this transition problem and I'm going to dedicate tonight to working my way through it.
I have begun to think more about publicity for findwayfilms.com and I've started working on several different designs. (with a blue colour pallet - Mike is an Everton Fan) I'm thinking about postcards to hand out at the screening of Touch Down and maybe having something fancy printed to send out to prospective corporates.
In the meantime, I think it's a good idea to become a member of the New Producers Alliance it's a great opportunity for me to network with other producers and gain contacts for funding as well as attend courses and think-tanks. The only problem is that it's mainly in London. But I like London and it's only half a fucking day away.
I got an email from Dan who has recommended that I put Touch Down on imdb which is cool, Alex would say in his drunken state, one day you'll be on imdb. I didn't think it would be anytime soon!!
Speaking of Alex, He's leaving for Paris on May 16th. I know it's not for another 2 1/2 months yet, But I can't even begin to imagine Manchester without him. Why am I getting emotional over him? it's not for ages yet. The problem with Alex, and it is a problem is that he sets the standard. I've never really met anyone quite like him. (it's certainly not a fancying thing) I've been really good at keeping the straights at bay (emotionally) I was out with Andy and he was like "Do you fancy him..?, What about him?" and the thing is, I didn't fancy anyone. Which isn't too much of a problem, because if I ever ended up going out with anyone like Alex, then it'll certainly be worth the wait.
I was thinking while I was riding the bus home tonight about my weekend, when I lost it a little.
Perhaps we have to loose it now and again, just so we can gain that control back and.. I feel a lot better now that I thrashed out all that emotion on the dancefloor
Monday, 26 February 2007
Last night, Everything just got to me, my head imploded and I just had to get fucked.
So Andy, my housemate, and a couple of friends did just that.
I fell off the wagon, so to speak, and after several pills, some CK and a bottle and a half of wine I felt utterly off my face, and in Queer, followed by Essential I danced like a complete twat while chewing my face, which is simply unsurprising.
The thing is, I know that getting fucked wont solve anything.
But what it does do is delete the moment. I feel that dancing my ass off on the dance floor just helped me get rid of some of the energy that has built up with all the stress.
and yes, I know nothing has changed. But maybe I have? maybe, instead of worrying about things that I have no control over, maybe.. just maybe, I should try and put them to the back on my mind and concentrate on the things that are important to me.
I've felt before like nothing will be able to pull me out of the hole I'm in. Until I realised that the only person who can do that is me. And maybe, just maybe. I remember how.
Now I have to plough all this into my screenwriting.
Sunday, 25 February 2007
I guess I can be forgiven for being in a total shit state considering everthing has gone to shit at home and I seem to be spending more and more time drunk up here. I fucking hate empathy. I have this fucking aweful ability to give a shit about others and when I found out my brother was being charged with murder and all the crap that my mum is going through back home -What can I do?! Fucking nothing, that's what.
At the moment i'm feeling really isolated. I can't seem to get myself out of this hole.
The thing is I have been in holes like this before, But I slug myway though them and try and come out at the other side, with something learned, etc..
But is there a light at the end of the tunnel? because I'm beginning to believe that what you find at the end of the tunnel isn't a light, it isn't even toontown.. it's just another tunnel, with another problem and another load of shit to deal with.
I can't even think about Touch Down at the moment either. I've tried to throw myself into it, but I just want to scream "why's it fucking taking sooo long?!?!" The thing is I know the answer to that question.. but that doesn't seem to stop me from asking myself it over and over...
So I've been trying to teach myself how to build the website in flash, and so far I can make a fucking stoopid line move across the screen.
I went to the cinema today to see Hot Fuzz, which was pretty good, and normally going to the cinema really helps me get over what ever shit I am going through.. no such luck, i'm afraid. So I thought if I went to see Alex might help. I had to stop myself from bursting into tears in front of him and left.
So, at home as I write this I'm going to drop and e. drink and bottle of Jacobs Creek's finest and have a few lines of coke.
This is my path of self destruction. (Well, just for the next few hours) Lets hope that Carl the dealer can do what Simon Pegg couldn't.
It also doesn't help that I've just lit my last cigarette.
The problem with me is, and it is a problem, is that simply - I expect too much from people
I'm really pissed off with Alex, for reasons I'm 100% sure he wouldn't was me to go into online.
I'm pissed off because after emailing Robin, he ignored AGAIN after we arranged to meet up.
I was talking to Kat about stuff earlier (well, yesterday now...) and it seems no matter how much you think you know a person they still manage to surprise you and sometimes not in a good way.
fuck it. I'm going to have a spliff.
Friday, 23 February 2007
you're caught by the river
you're coming undone
life you know it can't be so easy
but you can't just leave it
'cause you're not in control anymore
and you give it all away
would you give it all away now?
don't let it come apart
don't want to see you come apart
son what are you doing?
you learned a hard lesson
when you stood by the water
you and i were so full of love and hope
would you give it all up now?
would you give in just to spite them all?
and you give it all away
would you give it all away now?
don't let it come apart
don't want to see you come apart
cause you give it all away
and you give it all away now
don't let it come apart
don't want to see you come apart
lay i lay in the long grass
so many people
so many people pass
stay stay here and lie on back
get down in the cornfields
stay till we're caught at last
give it all away
give it all away now
don't let it come apart
don't want to see you come apart
and you give it all away
you give it all away now
don't let it come apart
don't want to see you come apart
and you give it all away
Thursday, 22 February 2007
Yesterday, I was supposed to be meeting Robin after work. We spoke on the phone on Tuesday and he seemed quite enthused. I guess I don't really know men at all.
The thing is this - I'm quite happy to admit that I want a relationship - I'm quite ready for a boyfriend. I feel secure enough to be able to handle the commitment of a relationship.
But being ready for one doesn't make it any easier to get into one.
But I think I'm just better off concentrating on my career. If someone comes along, that'll be great, but I just feel a little disappointed.
I shouldn't of had sex on the first date.
fuck it. I needed to get laid and I thought he'd stick around. Never mind, eh - plenty more fish and all that.
I think I'm just going to date actors. Press Room - Here I come!!
Wednesday, 21 February 2007
It's not like I've got this sudden influx of male attention, but Kat and I are living with a gay house share. I always said that gay men irritate me. But I'd never really been able to put my finger on why they do. But I've given this some thought over the last few days;
First of all, The gay men I have met, (Apart from Robin) have lives that revolve around the village. The world begins at one end of Canal Street, at the union, and end around the corner at Essentials. The problem is that when people lives start and end with a party, I find that, yes, it's funny and entertaining, but after a while it's kinda sad, and rather boring.
This weekend, another Random was over and spend the day channel hopping while his host lay on the sofa coming down after a night on pills. He asked me if he can use the shower, and I was like, "sure", at the time I thought he was a friend, I mean, what kinda guy would spend the majority of the day in a room, that gradually got darker, watching crappy soaps, while the person who he was expecting to get laid with crashed out on the couch? It just seems a little sad. I don't think I would ever do that to someone I brought home.
Another thing that gets me (and this is something I am guilty of) is the obvious obsession with men. They seem to talk only about sex. sexuality and who they fancy. I just think it's really boring. Sometimes I wonder if that's what I sound like to my other friends. Because if I'm anything like that. I must be well boring.
Tuesday, 20 February 2007
Since I’ve mentioned Sex with Friends, I thought it might be interested to add that I’ve nearly finished. As things happen to me, good things, bad things, stressful things, I think about how I can apply these experiences to my writing. I talked to Mike about what’s been going on back home and he said I should use these experiences to make my writing more personal. It’s wonderful to have a business partner who is on the same page as me.
So, professionally things are going rather well.
Now the one question I get asked more and more about from people back home is “How’s things on the man front?” and up to very recently they’ve been a little dry. It’s not bothered me too much but in all honesty I have felt rather lonely when it comes to intimacy. And I do admit that my rather fucked up sexual past when it comes to straight men is certainly not something I am proud of. (Though it does make a good story to tell the lads down the local)
There are certain rules that we have come to learn about when it comes to dating. i.e. You don’t sleep with someone on the first date, a goodbye kiss should suffice.. (okay, so immediately I have not been adhering to these rules) it’s just that we are all human and therefore, the urges of the body are something that we all find difficult to restrain.
I could be crude and say that in the cinema the other day, I became so moist because R turned me on so much. But I wont. Hehehehe
The thing is that first impressions are supposed to count the most. So by sleeping with some on the first date, does that mean that a precedent is created and therefore the whole union is going to be purely based on sex?
Then again, being gay, things are slightly different, we live in a world of gaydar.co.uk and Canal Street. Where Sex is quite possibly oozing from the drains. My housemate manages to bed quite a few men, and it’s quite shocking, though rather unsurprising as the gay scene is very sexual. That’s why the fights in gay bars are kept to a minimum*, because we all just want to get laid.
*most fights are because someone has probably slept with someone’s boyfriend. And even then, they’re quite short and rather funny.
But how do you make the transition from “shagging like rabbits” to “steady couple”? I have often seen though my friends relationships that sometimes when the former begins to die down it becomes apparent that the latter will never be.
This makes me also think about the truth and lies. No one intentionally lies (unless you are a total cunt) and therefore you would think that you would get to know a person, so the transition that I’ve been talking about is something that is rather care-free.
I don’t really know what I am talking about, which is rather obvious.
But lets just say. I’m excited. And he’s really nice.
Monday, 19 February 2007
I was trotting round Asda in my usual style, Basket hanging off my arm in a way that would even make Julie Andrews wish she had a little more grace. Chatting away to my mum and my sister in law about Touch Down and a few projects that are on the horizon, But I can't even begin to explain how sick I felt when my mum said that she needed to tell me something, but she physically couldn't do it, so she passed the phone to Diane.
"Ronnie's in court, he's being charged with Murder."
I felt sick, thank god I was in the spirit isle.
A brawl, that started in a bar, and ended outside on the street, happening over a year ago, I knew that the other guy was hospitalised and I even knew that he was in a coma. But that was a year ago, and I hadn't given it much thought. But last week, tragically, he died.
Ronnie had already been charged with assault with regards to this, but I don't think anyone expected this.
Eyes filling up and loosing my grip on my basket, which now housed a bottle rum and coke. I quickly hit the check out and left.
I walked back home, and my head was all over the place, strange, but I had so many thoughts rushing through my mind, but I can't even begin to recall any of them. Even at the time, being able to grab onto one thought and analyse it just didn't even seem like a possibility.
Do you know what I like about rum and coke?
It gets you fucked.
I got to the hostel and Alex and I stared drinking like it was our last day of freedom. After Alex, gleefully tried to help a guy who had got locked out of his room, the actual lock had broken and he had no shoes "Alex, stop taking your job so seriously" I declared in my drunken state and insisted that he, I, Marcus and Paul headed to the nearest bar.
The problem is whenever people feel low (people like me) they automatically head for a spliff or to some alcoholic beverage of some kind. Now, a spliff would have just knocked me out. but I quit that (for fuck sake..) and so the rum was my new Friend. But feeling like shite and gradually growing more and more drunk. I just felt sooo shite. Sitting in company bar at 4am, I found myself staring at the floor trying to hold on to one of the many thoughts rushing though my head, comforted by Alex, we went back to the hostel and I grabbed a bite to eat before systematically passing out on the couch, before being woken up at 6am by Paul, who had just returned from the bar. I went to my bed, which I wisely booked myself into earlier that evening, where on route I discovered someone had drew a cock on Alex's face. Nice.
The sun rose on Saturday morning, and it felt like a blade slicing open my eye. I fell out of bed and took the 30 second journey to Barbarella, to finally get my haircut.
So, 14 months after the last time I had the chop, the hairdresser went to work. It's a cross between Harry Potter and Barbara Windsor. I'll attach a pic soon. All I can say is my neck feels cold.
Kissing to Casablanca
One of my all time favourite movies was playing at the cornerhouse this weekend, and since it's the perfect date movie, I asked Robin if he wanted to come with me, so we went for a few drinks and chatted until literally minutes before the film began, so we downed our pints and headed to the cinema.
After snogging during the movie, when we went to the toilet, and after the movie, lets just say we had a cool day. Was a nice contrast to how the weekend began.
So, after all this time, Am I dating someone?
we'll have to find out as time goes by....
Thursday, 15 February 2007
..So after a slow start and a quick piss stop, we hit London town around lunchtime. And went searching for a car park. Tony Streeter and Michael Keogh found us as I was once again about to have my bladder explode all over the car, and I'm sure they were both still wasted from the night before. We parked up in China town (FYI Parking in London is stupidly expensive, and with the congestion charge!?!?! (Ken, you need stringing up, mate))
Deciding to drop the neg off to Smoke & Mirrors before we were due to begin the telecine and grade at 5, I grew increasingly more worried as I headed down brewer street, thinking, "where the fuck is it?!" A phone call and three more streets away later and we were there, right opposite RSA (yeah, that's the bloke to did Alien) in the heart of the media district of Soho.
(One day we'll have frosted glass windows)
Mike and I arrived back at 5, and shortly afterwards we got to see the first shot of the film. I looked at Mike whose eyes didn't want to leave the monitor to begin with and I just smiled. I smiled like I was on drugs. It was beautiful, as we went through the footage, I grew increasingly more excited We are on to something special here. Even though we did not have any sound to hear at this stage, from the expressions on the actors faces, they just nailed it.
Dan (DoP) and Tubbs (Gaffer) also came down later, which was great as Dan, with his experience of grading worked with Ned, to get the best out of the footage that we had.
It's amazing how big a part grading plays in the post production process, what you 'film' is rarely what you 'see' the negative is run though a projector which uploads the images in real time on a server. using equipment that frankly looks intimidating colours is added, taken, altered, light is removed etc... and it gives the image depth. (for the want of a better word) It took us around 51/2 - 6 hours to go through our two hours of footage.
That night, the footage is then transferred onto Digibeta (broadcast standard media), ready for us to collect the next morning.
So after a quick bite to eat, Mike and I (with Tony) headed back to his, where my infamous snoring, decided to make a cameo... We left London around noon the next day tapes and neg in hand back up north....
Everything seems to be coming together rather nicely. Our editor is working really hard on a rather popular BBC 2 programme at the moment, which has already begun broadcast, so he's already working around the clock, but the star that he is, we should have some rushes on DVD soon.
Though Mike has asked that I don't upload any images onto the Internet until the film is nearing completion, But trust me. It's all very good. I'm so excited I could Piss my pants.
Monday, 12 February 2007
Thursday, 8 February 2007
Sounds weird doesn't it? I have been going in swings and roundabouts with this for weeks now. But I'm flat hunting tomorrow with a guy called Russ who is gay, mid twenties and he just completed his masters, he, like me is looking for things to be far less dramatic and wants a quiet one, and despite seeing a lovely apartment yesterday, I don't really want to live with a hippy who parties all the time (been there, done that) -- Though, I'd love to have been able to use the gym!!! (once, then get bored of it!)
There is guy at work, and I'm not sure if he's gay. I've been dropping little hints, because I don't want to make the mistake of becoming his friend. Sounds weird, but here me out: (Nb. totally nicked this from Friends) I make friends quite easily, and they only ever see me as a friend. Unfortunately, I'm not instantly fanciable. (No bother, I made my peace with that a long time ago) but I want people to know that I fancy them, and as soon as I have my own place, I'll feel more confident and want to ask people out - (knowing there is a bottle of Asti chilling in the fridge)
I'm sounding really pathetic. But right now, I really fancy a nice meal, with some lovely wine, while wearing a shirt in a restaurant with someone I fancy. The last person I did that with was Chris, and that situations was nothing short of fucked up!
Wednesday, 7 February 2007
We not doing the telecine now until Monday; and that'll probably go over into Tuesday, so Mike and I have to wait another few days before we can finally see the footage. It's been mental today, trying to do my 'job' while also ducking out every few minutes to put my producer hat on.
In the meantime, I've been researching development and funding routes, so when Touch Down hits the festival circuit, we have our next projects ready and waiting. Sex With Friends is nearly finished, What would be my 'unofficial Fourth Draft' will become my Official First Draft. Once that's done (in the next week) I'll be concentrating my efforts on a treatment.
Mike also has his feature in tow which he will be working on, So It's going to be great for when we have our 'industry' screening to be able to tell executives about further projects.
I've also been approached my a production company in London to work as a production co-ordinator on a feature film which is going into production at the end of Feb, I've invited the director and the producer of the project up to Manchester for the screening of Touch Down and It'll give me a chance to meet them.
In the meantime, Selling my soul isn't going too bad. The people here are wicked and well easy to get along with -
I may have been giving the impression that I'm struggling up here. I've been here 3 months now and I love every minute, the dramatic moments in my life will make me a better writer and the fact that I've had constant communication with friends back home is a blessing. I've made some wonderful friends up in Manchester who I cherish. It's weird, but only a handful of people, like Kat, Janie, Steven can see the real change in my life, giving up weed was such a good idea and just being positive and proactive. And yes, I do like to talk (and I love writing this blog) but the thing is These words, Are not just words. These things in my life are actually happening. And sometimes I can't believe it.
A year ago, just 1 year ago, I was deserted by the two people in my life I thought would be there forever. And now, They are a lifetime away, because I have moved on with my life, In many ways. And even though I am the same person. I am so different, you probably wouldn't even recognise me. The only thing that reminds me of that time is a scar on my arm, and It reminds me of how much I have changed. And every time I see it, I smile. Because I turned everything around.
Tuesday, 6 February 2007
One thing about 90% of the positions that I have done in the past have one thing in common. The feeling. The feeling that I just want to go home. Have you ever literally fallen asleep for a second at work. I have plenty of times. My eyelids feel like they weigh a ton, and I'm so tired that I could whitey from smoking a cigarette.
my start time was pushed from 9am to 8.45am; fucking great. that's 15 mins in bed that I have lost (In fact it's more like 20 mins as I've always had trouble with pre-9am starts)
The truth is my CV reads like a yellow pages. I've always given my best at whatever I've done (to an extent) and People have praised me for it. I was described as an 'asset' at Aerofone, despite never being able to make it in for 8.30am and always being stoned in the second half of the day. (it was summer, though)
But then I moved to Manchester.
New Feeling? Nope. I still just wanted to get home.
HKW was pretty boring. back at Wetherspoons I was getting death threats. (lovely) and I simply could not be bothered.
after HKW finished I put my CV out on mymanchesterjobs.co.uk and got a call from a lovely girl called Sarah, she had a client, Adidas, who my be interested in meeting me. While on the phone I explained the gap in my CV was when I was writing Sex With Friends, she told her partner was directing a film he had written and was looking for a producer. "Have you produced anything before?" In 1999 I had directed The Edge of Town, So I told her about that. Asking if it was okay to pass my number on to Mike, I obviously said yes and a couple of days later Mike phoned me. We met for a coffee between Christmas and New years and talked about the project. Most of the crew were in place, but because of the need to push the shoot back some of them needed to be replaced as they had other commitments, and a budget still needed to be finalised, so we set to work.
I was working again, this time between 12 and 17 hours a day, from home, on location, recceing, and do you know what, I didn't want to go home, not once did I watch the clock and never did I think, "fuck man, I'm bored"
That horrible feeling had gone away. I'd found my calling.
But with only expenses keeping my head afloat, I was getting a little nervous. Loving the film and being torn between my financial responsibilities brought be to tears. Things were becoming tense between me and Kat and several arguments exploded. Two weeks before production Mike said that he'd "understand if I had to walk away" and that he wouldn't hold it against me. But there was no way I was walking away from this. The feeling of dreading my job had finally gone, and thinking back to what my brother, Jonny had said to me about eight years ago "We're working Class, Ant. We're always going to have to work and graft for what we want" I wondered, Does that mean I have to live with that horrible feeling for the rest of my life? NO THANK YOU.
I battled on into and through production and the film was in the can. A job well done. A starved bank account. It needed a feeding and pretty quickly.
Hitting the agencies to find a job, the same week as gang members moved into the flat stopped me from getting any real rest after the film. My skin has exploded and I have the eyes of a junkie. But I'm back at work. Sitting in an office, with a phone, a PC, a time sheet and The Feeling that I just want to go home.
And there is nothing more depressing than that.
The difference is that I have seen and had the role where that feeling is nothing but a distant memory - and I can do that job better and with more passion than any other bollocks.
So here we go, work. get my own place. Get some corporate work. Be ahead in my rent by a few months. Quit this job. get a part time job. Develop a feature film, in fact, develop two, get more corporate, get some work on a crew to get more set experience. Because then and only then will the feeling only ever be a distant memory, and that 40/50 hours a week we spend at work, will be something that I look forward too.
Monday, 5 February 2007
I have literally been blown away by a film called 'Little Children'. The film unravelled like a ribbon with one of the best screenplays ever.
Now, I've had this film sitting on my hard drive for ages now and it's taken me ages to want to watch it, and I have no idea why! It's fucking marvellous. It's so deep and complex, heartbreaking and with a narrator speaking in the third person, it's like being told a piece of classic literature.
Characters stem from so many different backgrounds, from the desperate housewives, the neighbourhood paedophile, the lonely stay at home mother and father, the oblivious children and the mother who's love in unconditional.
Expertly directed by Todd Philips, who's previous film In The Bedroom, I also really liked, I do think if you want to see a film with a structure that keeps you wanting more, then see this. Because trust me, I'm going to find a copy of the screenplay, because the writing is just brilliant.
Sunday, 4 February 2007
Crashing with Kat is already taking it's toll. I've a viewing of an apartment on Wednesday, which is great, but I can't afford to move in until I have some cash, but I'm working, so all I can really do is wait. I'll explain to the guy who's apartment it is and see if we can come to some arrangement. I've been asked to make myself scarce tomorrow night as Kat's landlord is coming over and he has no idea that I am staying here... wouldn't be a problem, only she may not be able to let him know about me being here as she may be having cocktails with a friend. So what can I do? She suggested going to coffee shop and doing some writing, only I am out of the 'notes' phase and in the final stretch, so I really need my PC. I suggested going to the cinema with the last £11 that I have, but she doesn't like that idea (as I would be spending) though I doubt she fully understands the cost of an extra hot latte.
So many thoughts have been rushing through my head "If I'd not done the film, I wouldn't be in this situation", "Don't worry Ant, it'll all be good.. just hold on a few more weeks", "for god's sake, why doesn't she just call him and clear it with him" I am beginning to feel like a Jew hiding from the SS during world war 2. Nothing seems to run smoothly for me... all I want is a secure home, a nice boyfriend and a successful business. (yeah, perhaps that is a little too much to ask from a guy who seems to spend most of his life running) -- but I am tired of running my metaphorical legs are getting tired. (though my figure is looking great)
Bollocks to it. I spend too much time whining.
Everywhere was either busy or needed to have a bloody appointment, or they were too expensive. God Damn it! Where is Jagged Edge (from Bedford) when you need it!?
So after doing some window shopping for laptops that I cannot afford (yet) I got chance to have a little play on the new Windows Vista. And it's pretty. Very Pretty, Vista Pretty, in fact.
It looks like a cool skin for XP, but it does seem to run quicker, and the alt+tab shit, looks pretty sweet. I want it. But then again, I'm a sucker for marketing.
Last night, I found myself getting rather wasted with Andy (a guy I live with) and his friend Robbie, who is also cool (he's having some property drama of his own - must be a new trend "Would everyone, like, stop trying to copy me, like") -- So I got no writing done what so ever, So tonight after watching the entire first series of Shameless, I've made a start, page sixty something and counting.
I'm really nervous about giving it to Mike to read now. I've had loads of positive stuff from people about it and I've worked on the bits that needed polishing, but he is such a perfectionist, and I really hold his opinion in high esteem.. fuck me, what if he thinks it's crap? I'll be devastated!!
On the man front, I've been chatting to a guy (who shall remain nameless at this point) but he's really nice, I feel like I can talk to him for hours on msn (and we do).. I haven't yet met him in person, but I finally spoke to him on the phone. We're going to hook up soon, and I'm pretty excited. I'm not expecting anything, but it's been so long, I think it would be nice to have dinner with someone I actually like instead of someone I tolerate. And Alex is definitely not turning gay. Trust me.
Friday, 2 February 2007
Kat had viewed a house is Hulme, where she only needed to meet the housemates before moving in, so last night after introducing ourselves and telling them of our situation, we loaded up the car and got the fuck out of dodge.
It was a bit of an anti climax as we picked up the negative and I was on cloud nine!!! but eh, fuck it...
I started a crappy temp job this week at some insurance company, and It has done one positive thing (other than give me a half decent wage) it's given me the determination to get my treatment finished so we can get some cash to develop Sex With Friends and Grace's Story. (and a few corprates to get the cash in!)
So I'm not going to let this get me down. Because the future is bright. And it smells of film.
Much Love x
Thursday, 1 February 2007
So thanks to my landlord Taz, I'm living with one.
The whole atmosphere in the house has changed. My new housemate has quite proudly described himself as 'the closest thing to the mafia we (Kat and I) are ever going to meet'.
So what do I do about living with a thug? I'm moving out anyway, so I can just deal with it? Taz was blinded by my new housemate handing over 6 months rent in cash! (yes, In cash!) (oh, and a bit extra) There is something very fucked up about this situation, and I for one think the police should have a firm eye on this building.