Wednesday, 28 March 2007

Sunday, 25 March 2007


Its been an interesting few days. On Thursday I went to Pinewood studios to meet with a producer and director about working on a Feature Film, It seemed to go well and word is that they have not seen anyone else for the job, but it is a couple of hundred miles away and I don't drive. That's the only thing going against me I think.
I went out with some people from the film and Kat on Friday night, which was a lot of fun, I drunk way too much and the end of the evening is a little bit of a blur. Before meeting the guys I was already on it with Andy and Kev and his friend Leona, we went to Tribeca for lunch and the queer for one before going to see '300' at the IMAX. looks great, but there is not else much there.

After trying to get over my hangover on Saturday Mike and I went to see a cut of the film. It's still in it's early stages, but the content is defiantly there and the film looks and sounds great. Its quite heavy and even though it's 10/11 mins long, it only feels like 4 or 5, so It's one you'd want to see again, I think. So I'm confident we are onto some thing special.

Next week is my last week working for Carillion. I was supposed to finish at the end of April, but because productivity has been high a good number of us have had our contracts cut by a month. Which is a bit of a shit. funny how you think somethings are true, and you find out later that you're being strung along. It seems to happen in varying parts of my life, and I'm becoming quite wise to it.

I know what is curse is. Passion. It's both a gift and a curse.
I throw myself whole heartily into things, and it's been shaping my personality for years now. For example, I just couldn't come out, I exploded out. I can't quietly fancy someone, I fall in love with them. I have such strong emotions at times that I feel really let down by people, when they probably haven't done anything wrong. And recently, I've been feeling a lot more insecure and isolated. It's a strange thing to want something so much and have a feeling that it wont come off. Touch Down is a project that I've worked harder on than anything else, I've spend ages putting elements of the website together, a lot of them being vetoed and I guess I'm scared of loosing it. I've tip toed around people and bitten my tongue as I know that in the past I have screwed things up by opening my mouth when I shouldn't. I've seen the film once in a rough cut form and honestly, now, I can't remember any of it.

Wednesday, 21 March 2007


10 Days until Launch - The Countdown has begun

I'm talking about the countdown to the launch of and
"Only a few get to be born twice in a single month" the promo says, which yesterday I posted on my myspace page and the findaway myspace page. Cobbled together with stills from Touch Down, with a sexy track it's a little teaser for the film, but more than that it's an introduction to us.

I've been working on banners, internet ads and I'm starting to plug Touch Down and get some interest going.
We may just be this little short film that a few dozen people have worked hard to put together, but Findaway is capable of so much more. With Sex With Friends, Write me out of Rusholme, Conversations with Me and an untitled project based around the death penalty, all these ideas that are being bounced around at the moment certainly make for an interesting future that we hold.
It think it's certainly fortunate that between Mike and myself, together have much life experience and a passion that only a few understand. The fact also that we are both writers, I think it's apt that the promo ends with the words "for the love"
So, Are you sitting comfortably?
The Countdown has begun.

Tuesday, 20 March 2007

What If?

I could so quit my job right now.
I would pick up my bag and coat, and thank me supervisor for the last few weeks and I would walk out the door, light a cigarette and get on the bus. I'd then go home and hope that no one is in so I can look at some Internet porn and have a wank.
tomorrow I'd get up and shit a brick because of not having a job. I'd regret walking out and later in the day I'd probably have a panic attack.
Fucking Great.
I hate temping.

Rainbow LOVE

After literally 12 hours of sleep I'm beginning to feel at least half-human again. Saying that this job is so fucking boring and irritating that I'm having trouble keeping myself awake.

Last night my housemates have been talking about having me set up with someone, I would be nice to have a date with someone again... classic movie, dinner etc.. what ever happened to romance. Oh, I know exactly what happened to Romance. It got coked up.

I was talking to a colleague about Loose Change 911 yesterday and he gave me the look. The look that says, "you gullible bastad" and he directed me to some websites that debunk the film and the so-called "facts". I'm not sure what to believe, but I guess, I'm just going to agree with Stan (from South Park) It was a bunch of pissed off Muslims.
So now that I've solved (or given up on) the 911 extravaganza I'm going back to Romance.

So, I've been thinking about meeting men. Where? How? Who? And I've come to some conclusions.
  1. Try not to compare the men you meet to someone, because you'll just want the person you are comparing them more and more.
  2. Be confident. Even if I get shot down time and time again, I shouldn't let it get to me. If I get shot down, it clearly was never meant to be.
  3. Meeting a guy off the Internet can be considered really sad, but then after sifting through cock shots and being asked "What am I into?" I think that perhaps using myspace or facebook may be a better way of meeting some. Yes, I will be deleting that gaydar profile.
  4. Have more self respect. Do you know how many straight guys have fooled around with me? believe me, it's more than it should be. Even today, I should have more self respect. Afterwards, he's ashamed and I'm left with a head-fuck. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
  5. Secrets and Lies. I rest my case.
  6. Canal Street. Everyone in their drunken, drugged up state believe that they can pull that bloke from the Calvin Klein advert on the tube so they keep looking around for someone better and yes, if I'm talking about your boyfriend. He will cheat on you. (The Cunt)
  7. Drugs. If you don't even know who you are then how the fuck is someone going to get to know you. What I would advise when meeting someone on drugs is to get him to write his name on the back of your hand. (I'm sure he'll understand)

I need to get laid

Monday, 19 March 2007

Isn't that Ironic?

I'm not too sure if this is ironic or not. But last night, while I was sitting with Kev (out of my face) I admit that I was utterly exhausted. But for some reason I didn't want to go to bed. The justification for this was that the weekend was nearly over and that even though I'd not slept since Friday night, I would rather be awake to experience my free time, rather than sleep through it. At the time, that seemed perfectly logical.
This morning and right now, I feel like I'm going to die. I'm concentrating all my energies into keeping my eyes open and I'm try to stay alive; and I'm wishing that yesterday I had just gone to sleep. Is that Ironic? I'm to tired to care, actually.

Konspire to Conspire

My blogs on a Monday seem to be having a recurring theme recently, and they all seem to be about how wasted I got and with whom, I throw in a few pictures of people being spaced out and sitting on the couch or something. And all the time I write it, I am sitting at work. Spaced Out and wishing, oh wishing so hard that the day will go quickly.
This weekend was pretty similar, I hung out at the hostel mainly with Alex chatting and then we came back to mine where we watched a really interesting documentary "Loose Change" it's a conspiracy theory documentary about 9/11. Now, I'm not usually a sucker for documentaries and I think you'd have to be a fucking retard to think that the US Government would actually be responsible for something like that. But then I saw the documentary and it really got me thinking. I invite all to download the film (which you can for free or watch it streaming from the website) and draw your own conclusions. find it at
I'm coming down. I have hardly slept and fucking lazy stupid people keep asking me questions that they should already know the answers too. I've got 2 days off work for holiday this week because of London, but I feel like utter shit today and I really want to go home.. but I can't, there's too much to do.. "blah blah"
I also hear (from Alex) that facebook is the new Myspace. Do you use facebook? come find me and lets put it to the test.

Saturday, 17 March 2007

Touch Down Screenshots

Well, it's been one hell of a journey, but this week, as I mentioned before I have got a dvd copy of the rushes and here are a few screenshots. You'll have to ignore the timecode I'm afraid, but I just want everyone to know that post production is well underway and I'm really excited.

I do ask one thing. Please don't copy any of these pics!

So for your enjoyment....

Friday, 16 March 2007

The weekend has landed...

...All that exists now is clubs, drugs, pubs and parties.

I've got 48 hours off from the world, man.

I'm gonna blow steam out my head like a screaming kettle,

I'm gonna talk cod shit to strangers all night,

I'm gonna lose the plot on the dancefloor.

The free radicals inside me are freakin', man!

Tonight I'm Jip Travolta, I'm Peter Popper,

I'm going to never-never land with my chosen family, man.

We're gonna get more spaced out than Neil Armstrong ever did,

anything could happen tonight, you know?

This could be the best night of my life.

I've got 73 quid in my back burner -

I'm gonna wax the lot, man!

The Milky Bars are on me! Yeah!

Thursday, 15 March 2007


I'm trying to articulate how I'm feeling right now.
I'm sitting down with some pate (not exactly diet food, I know) and considering a bowl of Oatibix with some semi-skimmed milk because I missed dinner; because this evening I had drinks with Mike and picked up a copy of Touch Down's rushes on DVD. I've been watching them for the last 45 mins and I'm feeling so happy right now, it's amazing. The film looks amazing. Gritty and real, the acting is first class and (from what i've heard) sounds pretty darn good too.
I feel like i've finally found what I was always mean't to do. It's quite a feeling to be proud and humble all at the same time.
So I want to thank everyone who worked on this film. I believe we are all onto something very special, and what we may have is this little short film, I am so proud to have been apart of it. And I thank everyone involved, particularly Mike for saving my life.

Will be in contact with everyone shortly with a screening date. It'll most likely be a saturday at noon. Will let you know soon x

Full Steam Ahead

I've been pretty lazy about writing in this blog recently. But to be honest, there is only so much interesting stuff to talk about. I could talk about my job, but then you'd probably not want to ever read this again.
I could talk about my housemate who was upset that we went to bed and left the washing up (Kat said she'd do it in the morning) (but he never heard her) and he threw the plates and cutlery that was soaking in the bin!
I could talk about how minging it was that I had to pull the shit out the bin and sanitise it all, and when he came in from work, he never even mentioned it.
I could talk about the fact that the editor of Touch Down is receiving the paper edit tonight and so a rough cut will be done in the next week.
I could talk about the fact that Virgin Active will have to put up with me for the next couple of months as after feeling fatter than a beached whale when I went to essential last week I have decided to plough more than just £32 a month into my figure.
I could also talk about the fact that I'm really fucking impressed with the new series of South Park. And that some people are Literally offended. Very Offended.

But I will talk about the fact that in the next few days the first official screenshots of Touch Down will appear on this website.
And that a rather exciting opportunity has arisen and I've been asked to meet a director about working on a feature film as Production Co-ordinator. I'm keeping my gob shut for now; but It's all very exciting.

Oh, and if you have Gmail - Get Google talk (I can't use MSN at work)


(oh, and I've decided on a new name for the corporate side of things. I did like Findaway Business Film, but after speaking with Mike, we've decided to keep corporate films separate from Findaway. So I'm going to call it 'Fluid'. Something rather sexual about that, don't you think?)


Tuesday, 13 March 2007

Watch IT

There are some things we watch. And there are some things we don't watch.

Like, take my new favourite movie of the moment for example, Pan's Labyrinth. It's a modern Gothic masterpiece. Merging fantasy and reality to unveil a story which bleeds across the screen in an horrific and addictive way. It comes across like a fairy tale, or a brothers Grimm story, but this story, told in the shadows, full of mystery and questions, is as good as the critics have been saying.

That is all.

Monday, 12 March 2007

Essentially Glamorous

This weekend was nothing short of mental…

Friday night I finished work and went straight into town to see Alex and we went to the Moon Bar for a much deserved Blanc, before heading back to Hulme where he finally got chance to come over and see the new Pad. Andy had sorted out some party favourites and after getting more wired than is healthy, I went back to the hostel with Alex and Kat to get a shower and iron some clothes (I don't know why I didn't do that at home, it just seemed like a good idea at the time) We then headed to Via on Canal Street and already half cut, we stopped for a pint, hooked up with Andy and went to Queer, for a few drinks and a good ol' dance… Queer was followed by Glam, then Essential, where I was totally off my face dancing like a twat, I felt totally fat as Alex and Andy took their tops off showing off their ribbed sweaty bodies.

Some thing rather amusing about Essential, people always seem to go to the loo in two's and three's!!!

We left Essential and came back to mine for a chillout, where after a few lines of Ketamine, I honestly didn't know what the fuck was going on… at about noon, I went to pick up my new phone and walking to get it I seriously could not move in a straight line.

Come home the K started to wear off and I just passed out for most of the day, I seriously contemplated going out on the Saturday night to Essential and Morning Glory with Andy, but I honestly think my body would have given up, so I stayed home, had a couple of lines and went to bed at about 3am. Sunday, disappeared in a haze as I passed in and out of consciousness.

Sunday, 11 March 2007


Essential, Manchester Friday Night

The Morning After...!

And Believe me... this is sooo true!!!!

Ketamine puts users in a dissociated state, meaning that they are less connected to both a sense of self and the reality around them. If a large enough amount is taken, users may go into or through a "K-hole", a state of wildly dissociated experience in which other worlds or dimensions that are difficult to describe with language are said to be perceived, all the while being completely unaware of their individual identities or the outside world. Users may feel as though their perceptions are located so deep inside the mind that the real world seems distant (hence the use of a "hole" to describe the experience). Some users may not remember this part of the experience after regaining consciousness, in the same way that a person may forget a dream. The "re-integration" process is slow, and the user gradually becomes aware of surroundings. At first, users may not remember their own names, or even know that they are human, or what that means. Movement is extremely difficult, and a user may not be aware that he or she has a body at all

Thursday, 8 March 2007

Cynically Overwhelmed

My super-uneventful week begun with a sore throat, so irritating, I would gladly spend an afternoon with the golden girls (and the canned laughter) if it mean't my dry cough would finally give up. But all that a side, it's been a bit of a mixed week. I'm going to be taking charge of the corportate side of findaway, and it's even going to come under a different name. (which I'm open to suggestions for) and last night Mike and I were talking about a project that he wants to write for a micro-budget film to be made later in the year. (I'll produce and he'll direct, naturally) It's got a wicked title, but due to Mike's love of secrecy i'm not going to give it away just yet, but it's another gritty, urban story set in the North. I do like the idea and i'm looking forward to reading a draft.

Things are moving forward on Touchdown. Forward, but rather slowley, it's a little fustrating and things have recently become heated between Mike and myself. It's all sorted now, but I think what a lot of film makers who embark on a low budget project don't really appreciate is the stress that can come from it. Mike says I have to believe that Touch Down will open doors and recently I've become cynical. I think that is why I'm pushing the corporte stuff. Apart from the private screening at the cornerhouse at the end of the Month, Touch Down will not be unvielled until August, at the Edinburgh Film Festival (if selected) And that's a long time to wait for doors to open. So i'm being as proactive as I possibly can, and I'm trying to ignore how overwhelming it all is.

Wednesday, 7 March 2007

The Weekend I Went Home

So the weekend just passed, I went home to see the family and some old friends. I've been ill over the last few days so I haven't written anything. But while I was at home I did keep a small journal, which I have transcribed for this blog:


I wish I could articulate what family means in a few words. But to be able to do that I need to describe what going home really means.
I'm currently in Bedford as a visitor. But I close my eyes and think of Manchester. I always considered Bedford as home - because home is where you're family is. But it's strange. This feels alien to me. I am sitting, well, lying, in the bed I had, in the room that was to be mine, ten years ago. I was 15/16 years old. The cream walls that were once grey with movie posters, replaced now with a family montage and a photo of Barry scuba diving.

I know I have only lived in Manchester for 4 months now, but my feelings are very similar to this room. Sparse, like something is not quite right. Perhaps the room and I have gone in very different directions. Such has my relationship with this small Market Town.

I am supposed to be going out tomorrow night and I have this horrible feeling that I am going to spend the majority of the night looking over my shoulder. Odd how I can spend the majority of my life in one place to find that I spend the majority of my growing up in another.

The Changes that happen with the people who are from Bedford happen a hell of a lot slower, while there are in Bedford. Though Change is inevitable and it is something you cannot run away from. But the thing is that it is (with me, at least) dependant on my surroundings. "I moved to Bedford to change" is not something I can imagine people saying. But what can I say? With all honesty, coming back here, after all this time is that I know home much I have changed, and it is far more than I ever expected. Kinda like this room.



Have you ever felt like you wanted to be in love with someone so much you were almost willing to trick yourself into believing you were?

Tonight, I did.

Tonight I foolishly went to see Dave at NYNY. I don't know what I was thinking, Perhaps I wanted to remember what it felt like to see him when we were in a relationship. I wanted that excitement? Maybe?


There is something rather shameless about writing on a bus. We're 20 mins late and sitting in the rain in Milton Keynes. Home is just over 3 hours away.
As we pull out I look around at the people around me. Every colour and culture and language can be seen and heard. I can almost hear their thoughts "Don't sit next to me". So for £33, this hot tube of unwanted company begins it's journey.

The weekend was a hit and all the paranoia I had felt about my family and whether I could actually go out in bedford again has been put to rest. I wonder why I went of the rails now. What did it achieve? Nothing, but a sting of expensive hangovers and the worry that things are far worse than they really are.

Everyone has a story. Some people have several stories, I met with my cousin this weekend, He was Anthony Stafford, but with the alternative ending. The ending that people wish will never happen to them.
Loosing his wife, children and eventually his mind he was medicated and vegetated until one night, sleeping is his car he decided to do something about it.

I guess I'm not the only person I know to have slept rough.
I Guess We All Have A Story.

I want to mention something about dreams to finish this rather extended blog.
This is what wikipedia says on the subject:
A dream is the experience of envisioned images, sounds, or other sensations during sleep. The events of dreams are often impossible or unlikely to occur in physical reality, and are usually outside the control of the dreamer. The exception is lucid dreaming, in which a dreamer realizes that they are dreaming, and they are sometimes capable of changing the oneiric reality around him or her and controlling various aspects of the dream, in which the suspension of disbelief is often broken.[1] Dreamers may experience strong emotions while dreaming. Frightening or upsetting dreams are referred to as nightmares. The discipline of dream research is oneirology.

Something for me to think about when I go to bed tonight.

Friday, 2 March 2007

The Weekend I Go Home

There are the weekends you plan and the weekends you don't. I don't know about you but sometimes I find that the best weekends are the ones where you finish work and have no idea whats going to happen. You get a call from a mate and before you know it your in the pub, and the weekend snowballs in one booze and drug filled adventure.
This weekend has been planned for a while now. The Weekend I Go Home. I've been a bit shit, not making it back to Bedford before now, but simply put I love Manchester too much! Now that may sound a bit sad, if someone who is actually in Manchester reads this, but then again, if you compare it to the sleepy town of Bedford there isn't much for a competition.
So this is a weekend that is planned. So, Does that mean it's going to be pretty shite? I'm not sure as yet. I'm certainly excited about seeing my family. (I wonder if I have any Christmas presents?) and Janie... I was on the phone to my mum last night and she was saying that she is expecting me to go out on Saturday night and get battered. hmmm. sounds like a plan!?!?

Anyway.. back to what I was saying.. There are the weekends you plan and the weekends you don't, So even though I've planned to be in Bedford this weekend I'm not going to plan anything beyond that... see where it takes me (I wish I could afford for it to take me down to London to see Equus.. but I'm thinking of going to see that for my b'day.).. So I'm going to make a new, and rather late, resolution.. Not to plan my weekends (in detail) because in this so-so called life of mine.. you never ever know what is round the corner... Peace.

Thursday, 1 March 2007


My phone has died. It had the life span of a gerbil. My phone died on Sunday night and when I charged it up it simply wouldn't turn on. The power button is simply FUCKED.

So I've lost all my numbers that were saved on the phone. I'm going to keep my SIM so, if anyone wants to donate a new handset, I'd really appreciate it (I'm on 02) Anyway.. if you were in my phone, please can you email me your number to or send me a message though myspace

Love you x

Final Acts

So last night I got into bed. Keyboard on lap and my screenplay to my side, with notes and I fought my way into the final act of Sex With Friends.
Originally I had a second montage, there's one at the end of a act one and originally at the end of act two. But I decided to not have it at the end of act three as it simply upsets the pace of the story (though a director may disagree)
After writing a bit, I actually just passed out I must have been so tired. In bed at 8! It's shameful. Kat's going to Cruise tonight, so I'll try and write a bigger chunk

I'm going back to Bedford tomorrow night, and this is my public apology to those I don't get chance to meet. I'm probably going to be with ... (oh my god, I'm writing this at work at the FITTEST bloke just started talking my colleague. wow. I think I'm going to have a hard on) ... anyway, I'm not going to be able to see many people this weekend as I'd like to.. simply because I haven't even seen my family since before December, So I really need to make an effort. (In fact I've only been home once in the last 3/4 months!)