Sunday, 31 December 2006
I am so grateful that I have reaffirmed my friendships with my friends from School; Lisa, Dominic, Chris and Jenni. You're all wonderful.
Getting to know my brother Barry better.
Living with Matt Bland and Dave Bryer. You guys are the best
Writing Sex with Friends
coming to Manchester, and the great friends I have made in the short time I am here
Loosing weight and feeling better about my appearance
Emma. Yes, Emma. Without her actions, I would never of moved away and stopped being a talker and started becoming a doer. The whirlwind of events forced me to change my life.
Jane Womack. For believing in me
Steven Brown. He needs no introduction.
Yes, 2006 has been the worst year of my life, and I have the scars to prove it. But through the darkness, I have been lucky enough to have a few people who have been there, and in 2007, I'm not even going to rely on luck. Because one thing I have learned is the only person you can rely on is yourself. And self belief plays a big part in it.
Favourite Films of 2006, in no particular order:
Children of Men
And to round off the year, here are the lyrics to Next Year by Jamie Cullum
Next year, things are gonna change
Gonna drink less beer, and start all over again
Gonna read more books, gonna keep up with the news
Gonna learn how to cook, spend less money on shoes
I'll pay my bills on time,and file my mail away, everyday
Only drink the finest wine,and call my Gran every Sunday
Resolutions, baby they come and go
Will I do any of these things? The answers probably no
If there's one thing I must do, despite my greatest fears
I'm gonna say to you, I felt all of these years
I'm gonna tell you how I feel
I'm gonna tell you how I feel
Resolutions, baby they come and go
Will I do any of these things? The answers probably no
If there's one thing I must do, despite my greatest fears
I'm gonna say to you, I felt all of these years
HAPPY NEW YEAR. I WISH A WONDERFUL 2007 TO YOU ALL.
Saturday, 30 December 2006
Getting a little extra cash is a necessity so hopefully, I'll pull my finger out and get a bar job or something soon.
I'm really happy to finally have a job that I love. I am not underestimating the opportunity and am prepared to work as hard as possible to succeed; and it really helps to have professionals believing in me!
Happy New Year to everyone, I am so glad 2006 is finally coming to an end. Time, I think, for a new beginning.
Friday, 29 December 2006
Thursday, 28 December 2006
So, last week I was on the phone to a woman from an agency in Stockport who told me her partner was a director making a short film, but he was looking for a producer as the shoot was getting closer and there was a lot to do.
I jumped at the chance.
So here's the scoop. The cast are from stage and screen. The crew have won BAFTA's and the director of photography is at the top of his game. We are shooting with Panavision cameras on Super 16 and the film called "Touch Down" which is going to be shot on location in Manchester will be sent to every major film festival.
The short film will be around 10 mins long and will take 4 days to shoot, It will be transferred and edited in HD; the post production facilities are sorted.
This will open many doors including the possibility of having Sex with Friends made. The connections that the film makers have will give me opportunity to work in TV and Film and if this film gets the recognition I believe it deserves then I may have my one true dream come true.
I have to do a fucking good job. And I will.
Wednesday, 27 December 2006
I'd like to thank eveyone for their chistmas wishes and messages, they are much appeciated. I am still waiting to hear from my family, which is a little upsetting; but there is something
Do you know what I like about the IMAX? Everything is clearer. wouldn't it be cool if life could be seen in IMAX?! You can see things for what they really are. As this year is coming to a close, I feel like I am seeing everything in IMAX. And, it makes me feel sad, because I feel misjudged and misunderstood by the very people who knew my secrets. my inner thoughts and clearly enough that it could have been in IMAX. Seeing things clearer makes you realise that those who you thought you knew and know are as clear as watching a 3D movie without the glasses.
Tuesday, 26 December 2006
I wonder what kind of legacy am I going to leave? I feel that I am spending each day, like I watch the clock. just waiting. Waiting for opportunity, perhaps? waiting for affirmation? Waiting for Him (whoever he may be) - Well, I don't fucking know, do I? I guess I just don't want to feel like i'm waiting for something anymore.
He Looks straight back at me and smiles
The cloudy sky suddenly clears
He listens to my woes
He's my shoulder to cry on
His eyes twinkle when I smile
I am weak at the knees
I have shortness of breath
I cannot take my eyes off of him
His smell is erotic
His smile is contagious
His enthusiasm is infectious
He is my everything
And I am his
Love has arrived
Monday, 25 December 2006
I hate to leap to conclusions about anyone, but I say, from what I know of you, that you're an unsociable Scrooge, creeping away from the jolly throng singing carols around the tree, to check your e-mails, browse aimlessly, gorge on humbugs and skulk. You're probably not even wearing your paper crown.
Admittedly, you're not alone. Last year almost 1.3 million people found time out of their festivities to visit this website on Christmas Day. That's a fair few, but just a third of those who visit on a normal day. It seems there are plenty of people for whom family fun and a stodgy pudding have more attraction than the internet.
Of course there are all kinds of reasons why you might be reading this on Christmas Day, other than anti-social behaviour.
Perhaps your job is so important you have to come in to work today. Though if your job allows you to sit around reading this, what is so important about it? Go on, go home, where your delighted family will turn from the flickering fireside and offer you a roasted chestnut. No-one will mind.
More likely, you're an addict. You're an internet user. You mainline online, and simply can't make it through to Doctor Who without your daily fix.
Or perhaps you just wanted to touch base with the outside world, to check with the BBC whether anything important had happened. Which is legitimate, in theory. Except that you're reading this, and if you believe it's going to get useful and informative in the second half, you are only fooling yourself. Addict it is, and the sooner you admit it the sooner you will be able to tear yourself away and go and have a drink.
That said, I should not overlook the possibility that you are spending the nativity season alone, without friends or family, through no choice of your own. In which case, I apologise for my insensitivity, and belatedly acknowledge that Christmas must be a miserable time of the year for some people, and I've probably made it worse, and I feel very bad about that. There, now you've spoilt my Christmas too. Thanks.
Then again, global reader, you may live in a part of the world where Christmas simply doesn't happen. Last Christmas, 39% of readers of the BBC news website were from outside the UK, compared to 31% on a normal day. That's a pretty watertight excuse.
Another possibility is that a merry Yule is going on all around you, but you refuse to let it happen to you. You may, for example, be a non-Christian who can't see why the fact that Jesus was born on an unknown date should oblige you to cover a fake fir tree with tinsel, eat sprouts and watch The Vicar of Dibley in his name.
And yet, after all that, perhaps the reason you're surfing today is simply that it's something to do. We like to think that Christmas should be a day unlike any other, but once you've opened your presents, eaten your dinner and played with your children's toys, what you've got left is pretty much a day like any other, except with better TV.
The image we carry around of friendly robins, wall-to-wall jollity and snow-covered windows through which Dickensian lantern-swinging urchins sing God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen rarely seems to materialise. And when reality fails us, there's always cyberspace. So here we are.
Ah well, merry Monday, and a happy new week.
Sunday, 24 December 2006
The Frozen veg doesn't need peeling (thank god)
My landlord, who decided to move himself in this week has finally fucked off.
I'm all set to watch my christmas star wars movie, last year was Empire Strikes Back, this year Revenge of the Sith
we're having lamb this year, for a change, and thats all sorted.
I guess it really is christmas
I guess I am feeling really homesick now. I have just sat with Alex and watched Love Actually and it has had me thinking about what christmas is all about. It's not about presents. It's not about Religion, It's not about over eating, its not even about the trifle.
It's about making the effort to be with the ones you love just once in the year. it doesn't matter if you hardly ever speak to your family, for one day of the year, people can put their differences aside and break bread.
So I feel awful for staying in manchester. I should have made the effort. right now I am in the wrong city.
But to those I love and care ahout, A Merry Christmas to you all. And a Happy New Year.
xxx xxx xxx
Saturday, 23 December 2006
I had pre-christmas celebrations yesterday with Canadian Cat and Alex down Canal Street. It's funny, but it doesn't matter what town or city you are in, find a gay club and they are all exactly the same, all the men look the same, similar haircuts and the trendiest clothes Primark can stock... and there was me. Grunge meets Gay. (but without the trendy) Velvet, full full of men in dinner jackets, Queer was full of teenage pop prancers downstairs and softcore clubbers upstairs, then onto Essential where two rooms very similar to that of Queer. Saying that we had a wicked night, I got smashed and danced like a prat... and I didnt fancy a single person in there. Well, maybe one.
So it seems I want to like it. I want to feel more comfortable in a gay bar than any other, but last night Alex was acting more like a gay man than I was! As we were going into Essential, the doorstaff were like "You do know what kind of club this is?" I think it's almost ironic that people like the label "straight acting" only to find yourself being questioned about your sexuality. In 2001 I went to G-A-Y in London and was refused entry; "I'm sorry but we have a strict gay and lesbian majority" HELL-O !!!!
So it's a couple of days before christmas and I am going to hit the supermarket today to get food for a nice christmas munch, unforunatly, I've kinda lost the will to live with my hangover and everything; Alex has crashed out on my bed and I don't think he's going to move for a significant amount of time.
Oh, funny story. My PC blew up, I was playing World of Warcraft then, BANG! it was gone. turned out the power supply had over heated, which is why it used to reboot itself. but I installed a new one and so I continue to feed my addiction.
Tuesday, 19 December 2006
HKW wasn't a bad company to work for. I managed to meet some decent blokes and of course a few people who certainly would be competing for the jobsworth award of the year. It got me thinking, to what lengths would I go get become the success i've only ever day dreamed about.
I just got a call from a fella from a consultancy and he also wants to meet me tomorrow as he was impressed with my CV!! I think i'm going to go out for a beer!
Oh, and Kat found her keys.
Monday, 18 December 2006
This weekend, Kat, Alex and I did some cocaine, not much, we just had a gramme for the three of us. (though we paid through the nose for it – Pardon the pun) and I have been thinking, I am ready to give it up. I spent the evening in the hostel with Kat and Alex (Alex was working the night shift) as they flurted with one another and kissed during breaks of the people coming and going, checking in etc, I spent the evening twitching, wired, physically exhausted, but mentally alert. And for all the compliments I have given the experience in the past, This time, it just wasn't good. Don't get me wrong, It wasn't a 'bad trip' but It was just at the wrong time. For starters, I should have left Alex and Kat too it. Secondly, I felt more awful the next day, at 5am Kat and I smoked two spliffs followed by a prayer so we could sleep peacefully.
Does Sex Ruin Everything?
Sex can ruin friendships. It can complicate relationships and it can make you see a person in a completely different light. A generous friend is life can be a selfish lover. Strong emotions are in play when people are having sex and one thing I have learnt is that you cannot control your emotions; and when those feelings escalate or don't, it may not be what your partner expects and disappointment is normally followed by break-up. But what if you're not broken up to begin with? What if two friends are casually fucking and one person wants more, and the other just isn't able to reciprocate? It's happened time and time again and when the only thing left to break up the friendship will inevitably suffer. How many 'friends' can you say you've had after a casually sexual relationship with them… and How many of you reading this now are thinking "but that wasn't my fault" – Reality Check Sweetheart. Its always 50% your fault, and 50% theirs and if you are in a group of friends then your selfish sexual needs with break the group apart until there is little left. Sex is EVIL. It ruins friendships, it's uncontrollable and unless it is in a loving committed relationship, with none of this 'casual' bollocks, it is destined to end in heartbreak. Unless of course it's with a prostitute.
Sex is great, it's one of the greatest things you can have for free. Sharing sex with a friend is a wonderful thing because you can be honest with one another, unlike the beginning of a relationship when you feel you have to hold back, only revealing a little more of yourself with each encounter. But with a friend, there are no needs for first or second impressions; a friend will be a friend for life, even if you are able to share these wonderful moments because one thing you can be with a friend is honest! And honesty is one of those wonderful things that are more exclusive with friends than any other social group.
Mature consenting adults can have sex quite easily with no hang ups. It's a pleasurable act. It's nothing like love, because love is emotional, whereas raw sex is just lustful. Who should be deprived of that Animal urge to take a man or woman in your arms as your sweaty bodies rub up against one another? Experimenting with sex is something even some couples are nervous about, but a true sexual friend will take it all in stride, and support you, so when you do enter into the relationship you have always dreamed of, your sexual skills will be at a stage where you can satisfy your partner on a level matching your emotional feelings for them. And it's all thanks to that special friend.
The truth is I don't know if sex ruins everything, two of my friends have entered into a casual thing and I'm quite intrigued to see how it pans out. They both don't have those feelings for one another, but this will only become clear in time. I'd like to call this
The Anthony Maxwell Experiment
Can meaningless Sex really be meaningless?
Watch this space!
I'm shy when it comes to meeting other men. I assume that no one is really interested and I guess I've made my peace with that, but to be around people who sexual and non-sexual needs are met with a partner and find myself oftern wanting the same thing. This may sound like a bit of a paradox; but I think that is how my mind works. I want to see my friends happy. I want them to be together and I am happy for them, but when the people I meet are though the internet for a quick shag, the ones I really want to spend time with they don't seem to last more than a dozen emails. So what am I doing wrong? I always want to feel more accepted into the gay community. The problem is; i'm not a huge fan of what the gay community stands for Yes, we all want equality and we've pretty much got it. Times have changed, I came out with a small understanding that I would spend my life alone and without a partner to love and who loves me in return, but things changed for me when civil partnerships came into effect, because I can have a loving and legal relationship like anyone else. It seemed that the sleeze that the gay community is famous for would evaporate. But of course it didn't - this was a daydream, like many others.
What can one do to turn the clocks back and change the position they have. I have always been the organiser - Getting people together, organisng nights out and setting up my friends. But, I have never been set up with anyone. I seem to be the only gay male my friends know.
I've been emailing a guy who seems lovely and even though I have yet to meet him, I am frightened. Truthfully I expect he'll not be interested in much more than a friendship with me. I should be just happy with that. But it saddens me because I want to be able to share my secrets, my inner thoughts and for someone to share them with me, and when I hear the words "I Love You" I know that the love is real, and not one from a friend who loves me, but isn't in love with me.
This is my christmas wish.
Thursday, 14 December 2006
I feel a little hollow and at a loss for words.
She was a wonderful woman a cool Aunt and a comitted mother and grandmother. My mum had been going to and from America to help my Aunt when she fell ill, she arrived 1 day before she died. I'm going to keep this blog short as I really don't know what to say to be honest.
Goodnight and god bless
Wednesday, 13 December 2006
That's apparently offensive to certain people at this time of year. In Manchester, as the lights were unspectacularly switch on this year, we were greeted with words like "Seasons Greetings" and "Happy Holidays". I have even recently heard the phrase "winterval" stating the break from work circling the 25th of December.
What a bunch of bollocks, frankly.
My religious opinions aside, Christmas has always been a christian holiday; we all know the story of the baby Jesus and the three wise men etc etc, So on the 25th of December people gather to sing Christmas carols and exchange gifts, like the gifts given to the baby Jesus blah blah blah... When did everything go wrong, when did simple phrases become offensive? Now I understand that basic racist words that were once used casually are now very taboo (and in my opinion, shouldn't even be uttered - same goes for the homophobic ones) but what does bother me is the stupid little things; for example "Brainstorm" at school, as kids we would gather round and have a brainstorming session, ploughing ideas onto a sheet of paper. Now this is called a 'Mindmap', it is no longer policitally correct to use the former; aparently its offensive to people with mental disorders.
"blackboard" and "whiteboard" are both now politically incorrect; What the fuck?!?!!? yes, a black board (which happens to be black in colour) is now a 'chalk board'. (not sure what a whiteboard is now) - I don't understand when calling something black or white, because it actually is black or white became a problem; or who one day said "Miss, I don't mean to be a pain, but since my ethinic origin is black, I don't think is should be called a black board.. my mummy thinks I should complain to my MP"
Some offensive words are DESIGNED to be offensive, or their meanings are altered by society to make them offend those who are either a minority or disabled or gay. In this case, I do think it's wrong; but to take it as far as it's gone, we could all be labled racist, bigots or insensitive just because we call it a blackboard, or we happen to wish a muslim woman working in tesco a Merry Christmas as she hands us our change. And how far is it going to go? will it no longer be christmas pudding? will they rename is Holiday Pudding? or go for something far more obvious, like dried-fruit-soaked-in-booze-for-six-months Pudding?
We are all so afraid to offend, or be labelled something; we should all just embrace the season to be jolly and be happy.
So Whatever you believe; whatever you opinions on Political Correctness is, This queer boy in the norf would like to wish you all a Merry Christmas. x x x x
Tuesday, 12 December 2006
What are you supposed to say to someone who you fancy? I usually can talk for England, but there are two things that normally just shut me right up. first of all, weed. Just kills my conversation ability and secondly, men. I don't know what to say to men that I like. I fumble and mess up my words. I find myself logging onto gaydar on pretty much a daily basis and within minutes I'm bored. Bored of looking at profiles of guys I would neve be interested in and profiles of dirty old men who simply want to get their cock sucked.
I seem to float from one want to the next. I want a boyfriend or I want to get laid. Ever snuggled up to someone and felt their fingertips on you. It so intense you believe that you can see an actual spark. i guess i'm just blabbering, afterall The Editors did say All Sparks go out, in the end.
Monday, 11 December 2006
Unsurprisingly it has been a pretty melancholy day. Kat tried to distract me with a trip to Ikea, but I simply wasn't in the mood and I couldn't even concentrate on a movie.
I just hit me earlier that we are literally a couple of weeks away from Christmas. I guess the lack of tree and Christmas decorations have made the festive season creep up and bite me in the ass, But I don't think that I will be coming to Bedford for Christmas. I may just enjoy the week from work and I'll spend some time with my new friends here.
Saying that, it's not so bad. I'm sure Christmas in Manchester will be wonderful, throw up a few fairy lights, some crushed ice and a bottle of baileys, hell, I could have Christmas on Friday - who's in?
Running or Escaping
Escaping a small town where everyone knows your business is hard. Very hard. In fact, if you know me you'd know I tried moving away before, but circumstances have always dragged me back. People have joked about the metaphorical bungee rope that is Bedford. I said that going back for the weekend was like stepping back in time. It made me feel sick and unsafe. I don't know why - I've lived there on and off for over twenty five years, and I left in such a determined and quick fashion it was like I was running, running so fast I wouldn't know where my legs will take me. But even though externally it may be easily misunderstood as a dash from my past. It was a leap into my future. There are few people who have built a successful life for themselves in that town (and I'm not talking about those jobsworth types; you know who you are!) but all those who have gone to do great things and achieve great things may have been born at North Wing Hospital, or gone to one of our county schools, but they escaped, they left running and never looked back.
Run! Anthony, Run!
Mortality is a horrible thing. I guess I've been lucky, I've only known three people who have died in my whole life and only one of them was a close family member, my nan who died 9 years ago last week. The doctors are doing everything they can in the states at the moment to keep my Auntie comfortable but I think Christmas cheer will be in short supply this year.
Sunday, 10 December 2006
I have not really had a relationship since Dave back in February last year and I'd like to list the things that I miss from him... 1, having him close to me, having my hand on his leg while we lie together on the couch. 2, Knowing that I would have taken a bullet for him. 3, Knowing he doesn't judge on roumer when it comes to me, he wants to get to know me for me. 4, His smell. 5, Knowing he watches me sleeping, endearingly.
I'm quite used to knowing that everyone will expect to hear me moan that I want to get laid, when the truth is I want so much more than that. I have clocked up an shambles of one night stand record, because I enjoy sex, but I can easily admit that one night stands are so mechanical, there is no good sex with you are just getting yourself off.
Have you ever been in a relationship where you can't wait to talk to your friends about the person you are seeing? I've always put my friends above myself and any relationship I've been in and I have felt dropped when others who are close to me are suddenly not around once they get in a relationship and I guess this is because I have never really fallen in love and wanted to put a single person on a pedestal.
One thing I have come to learn is that love, like fairies cannot be found, there is no point going to look for it, because love will find you. I guess what I am trying to say I hope that Love finds me.
And I can feel the butterflies.
I love it when you discover a new club, Kat had her first friday night out in Manchester and after an uneventful week of working and being monged friday couldn't come fast enough.
Alex brought over some chocolate, beer and wine, and treated us to pizza while we got drunk at the apartment before heading over to 42 in town. I felt like the oldest person in the room, and even Kat said she felt old, which is saying something! I did notice that there are plenty of very pretty guys out there!!
After several doubles and a shot of Golschlager we headed to Satans Hollow for rock and metal where we met two guys, one who Kat totally scared of and yet another who had problems believing I am gay!
Saturday, after falling asleep to The Covenant, Milla visited from Liverpool and we went to Satan's again for a bit before heading back to a slumber party in the living room and we watched The Lady in the Water, which I thought was pretty good, it reminded me a little of Big Fish with the whole Bedtime story kinda thing... Would recommend it if you like to have your mind a little open when watching movies.
Saturday, 9 December 2006
You know what they say, friends come and go but there are some special ones that are there forever. Here is a selection of my favourites.
Heading out to Satans Hollow tonight with Milla and Canadian Cat among others, will tell you all about it tomorrow, if I end up drinking half as much as I did last night I might be able to remember some of it!!
I’m not satisfied with normal, and I don’t think I ever will be. I know that there are people out there like my brother, who is more than happy with his plasma screen TV, family around him, Monday night Football.. Sunday afternoon cricket; and the ‘grown up’ in me is rather envious of the security he has (not to mention a great wife.. my lack of boyfriend is something I lack and I want to do something about it)
Anyway, less of my hormones and back to what I was saying.
In six months, my normal life will seem very abnormal indeed. Island hopping, doing odd jobs for spare cash, no knowing what is going to happen from one week to the next; Monsoon Rains, forty degree heat, humidity that will involve me being naked most of the time (sorry Kat) and then on.. So here is the rough plan for the normal life
Mid/End May 2007 Thailand / Laos / Malaysia / Singapore – 3 months.
End August 2007: Austrailia, in a rural area, working in a seasonal bar job – 3 months
Austrailia; Move to a city, Sydney probably and be there for New Years 2008. Stay in Sydney for 3 – 6 months of which we will spend half the time working and half the time exploring the surrounding areas.
Free Travel around Austrailia. I want to do my PADI and become a qualified Diving Instructor. I’m going to do an introductory course in Thailand.
End August 2008 Fly to Los Angeles where we will travel to Las Vegas and go to the Burning Man Festival in the Nevada Desert, travel in a circle round to Mexico City, Tuana and back to LA where we will start enquiring about Applying for citizenship.
September/October 2008 – Fly back to Austrailia where we will work in a city for three months solidly. That will take us into early 2009 where we will cease working and buy a van and spend the next 5 months slumming it living like hippies in the back of a van and drive around Austrailia, visiting friends and having the time of our lives.
We are also going to be researching cruise ships as Kat has always wanted to spend a few months in Japan, and since flying to Tokyo is rather expensive we are looking at working on a ship as it sails from Austrailia to Japan, so rather than spending money travelling there we’ll be earning it!
As our 2 year visa runs out in Austrailia we will be looking to Move on, Ideally we’d like to live and work for a year in the USA on the west coast, but if this is hard to sort out we’ll have 90 days to move up the coast and into Canada, In this time we will also see Hawaii before spending a year living and working in Vancouver and spending free time exploring the area, including seeing the glaciers in Alaska (yes, I know that’s part of the united states!!!) depending on what happens and the experiences we have we’d like to apply for citizenship in the states as when we get there Bush will be getting kicked out the white house! This may prove to be difficult, but you never know!!
So if all goes to plan that will be my normal life, but one thing I have learned is that you never quite know what the future holds and that ANYTHING can happen. But I’ve found that as this plan has come together I am getting really excited, As I said yesterday Kat and I are not going to be really planning this until after the new year and then we’ll get vaccinations sorted and such and finally we will get the ball rolling...
have a cup of tea,
perhaps and early bath,
go for a drink,
watch some tele,
Spend Friday nights in the pub,
Sunday at cricket,
have one meanless one night stand after another,
work to pay the bills,
never have a mortgage,
live in the red,
Live in the Black
Live a Normal Life
(totally ripping off trainspotting here!)
Live an abnormal Life.