Monday, 18 December 2006

My Christmas Wish

I guess I should be used to taking my rightful place as third wheel, but I guess I'm finding it difficult to find a man I truly connect with. Matt Lucas was Married today and I think that is wonderful and recently with the death of my aunt, I wonder.. will I ever be wed?

I'm shy when it comes to meeting other men. I assume that no one is really interested and I guess I've made my peace with that, but to be around people who sexual and non-sexual needs are met with a partner and find myself oftern wanting the same thing. This may sound like a bit of a paradox; but I think that is how my mind works. I want to see my friends happy. I want them to be together and I am happy for them, but when the people I meet are though the internet for a quick shag, the ones I really want to spend time with they don't seem to last more than a dozen emails. So what am I doing wrong? I always want to feel more accepted into the gay community. The problem is; i'm not a huge fan of what the gay community stands for Yes, we all want equality and we've pretty much got it. Times have changed, I came out with a small understanding that I would spend my life alone and without a partner to love and who loves me in return, but things changed for me when civil partnerships came into effect, because I can have a loving and legal relationship like anyone else. It seemed that the sleeze that the gay community is famous for would evaporate. But of course it didn't - this was a daydream, like many others.

What can one do to turn the clocks back and change the position they have. I have always been the organiser - Getting people together, organisng nights out and setting up my friends. But, I have never been set up with anyone. I seem to be the only gay male my friends know.

I've been emailing a guy who seems lovely and even though I have yet to meet him, I am frightened. Truthfully I expect he'll not be interested in much more than a friendship with me. I should be just happy with that. But it saddens me because I want to be able to share my secrets, my inner thoughts and for someone to share them with me, and when I hear the words "I Love You" I know that the love is real, and not one from a friend who loves me, but isn't in love with me.

This is my christmas wish.

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