Sometimes I feel like I'm kidding myself about so many things. I've found myself saying the words "I just give up" time and time again. It's like everything begun to slowley go downhill since I moved to London nearly a year ago.
Tom is wonderful. I couldn't of wished for a better boyfriend and when we met in August last year I could have said that I really did have it all, good friends, a job that allowed me to have a fantastic social life and above all else I'd fallen in love and had that love returned.
But in the last 12 months, so many things have happened that seem to have crushed my spirit. I found it hard to find freelance work once the so-called documentary "Imagine" was shelved I was scraping around for work - I managed to get a couple of jobs in, but then was a slave to the temping agencies with the whole "Just in case" at the back of my mind.
I'm 27 now and my indecision, or my wreckless hold onto a dream that has only partially been realised has really hit me hard. Looking back I should have stuck to one thing - and one thing only. If i'd stuck at one thing then I would have grown and developed and I probabily would be earning well and respected.
Free Spirits are Over Rated
I would prize myself on my free spirit nature. If I wanted to do something - move somewhere - drink until I was sick on myself - grab the local drug going and give that a try - I would - Life is apparently about experience - Climb the highest mountain and all that; and for a good 10 years I lived my life to that philosophy, and still, today I have a list of things that I have yet to achieve - but they leave no room for a career - But without that, in a city like London, you're nothing, nothing but a bum. I've clocked several times people use the phrase "some of us work for a living" yeah, like you're anything special.
So what's next? I feel like I need to achieve something. ANYTHING. it's like I need to know that as I enter 2009 I'm working towards something.
because being a free spirit costs.