Hindsight

Sometimes I feel like I'm kidding myself about so many things. I've found myself saying the words "I just give up" time and time again. It's like everything begun to slowley go downhill since I moved to London nearly a year ago.

Tom is wonderful. I couldn't of wished for a better boyfriend and when we met in August last year I could have said that I really did have it all, good friends, a job that allowed me to have a fantastic social life and above all else I'd fallen in love and had that love returned.

But in the last 12 months, so many things have happened that seem to have crushed my spirit. I found it hard to find freelance work once the so-called documentary "Imagine" was shelved I was scraping around for work - I managed to get a couple of jobs in, but then was a slave to the temping agencies with the whole "Just in case" at the back of my mind.

I'm 27 now and my indecision, or my wreckless hold onto a dream that has only partially been realised has really hit me hard. Looking back I should have stuck to one thing - and one thing only. If i'd stuck at one thing then I would have grown and developed and I probabily would be earning well and respected.

Free Spirits are Over Rated

I would prize myself on my free spirit nature. If I wanted to do something - move somewhere - drink until I was sick on myself - grab the local drug going and give that a try - I would - Life is apparently about experience - Climb the highest mountain and all that; and for a good 10 years I lived my life to that philosophy, and still, today I have a list of things that I have yet to achieve - but they leave no room for a career - But without that, in a city like London, you're nothing, nothing but a bum. I've clocked several times people use the phrase "some of us work for a living" yeah, like you're anything special.

So what's next? I feel like I need to achieve something. ANYTHING. it's like I need to know that as I enter 2009 I'm working towards something.
because being a free spirit costs.

Roofer? Me? I don't think so mate.

enough said.

dumping the moss... yuk

Apparently, Andy isn't wasted... all the time

How fab is this weather at the moment?!

I should be doing the right thing and sunbathing in Hulme Park, but I've just come back from my second day of helping Andy roofing and I have learned one thing. I am not a roofer.

First of all, I'm scared of heights.
yesterday I went up on the ladder and froze. I'm such a pussy.

Secondly, it's dirty. Really dirty.

thirdly, The roof tiles fuck up my hands.

Andy was on the roof jet spraying the moss off (there was over a ton of it) and I swept it up and bagged it. The thing is, the roof was MASSIVE. But I didn't whinge. Much.

yesterday evening was fun, deciding not to go out, Andy and I shattered had some Chinese food and pissed about on the internet. I introduced him to Camfrog, where we both found ourselves with our shirts off in the gay mens room teasing several people from around the world. A few bottles of wine later and it was nearing 11pm, so Andy suggested we go to cruz for a few hours. The plan was to be back by two. that was the plan, we start in spirit, then head to cruz and about 1.45, i'm like... Andy.. It's time to go, we got an early start... "lets get a drink".. "No, Andy, we have to go" After thrusting a bottle of poppers up my nose, I found myself dancing to a track from Dirty Dancing on the stage... then as I came to my senses, I was again "Andy, we have to go!!" literally dragging him off the dancefloor to the coat check, It was like trying to get a toddler to behave! we made it out of cruz and went and got some food and sat in the village chatting to different Random people.. there was this cool girl from Blackpool, But I haven't got a clue what we talked about...
After some much, Andy and I got into a taxi, which made it to the end of the road before Andy JUMPED OUT!!, I'm like "sorry mate" to the cab driver and chased Andy down the street..

"lets go to Essential"

"Andy, what the FUCK do you think you are doing?!"

"come on... we can finish the job on Monday, call the customer tomorrow and we'll finish it Monday"

"Oh My God"

after being dragged to Essential, where we met Russell and Kev, I had completely sobred up and was NOT in the mood at all. I had a vodka redbull, and I'm like "fuck this. I'm going home" and I left.... after finally getting a taxi, I got home to find Andy at the front door!

Chatting till about 5am. I got up this morning at 9, went to work, feeling like shit run over twice. I got back an hour ago, Andy and his boyfriend used up all the hot water, so now, I'm just waiting for it to reheat.

I'm so shattered.

Short, Sweet and LIVE!

Well, the findaway films website is finally up! it needs a lot of work still and is basic, but the bones are there.. just needs a little meat!

I've been having quite a chilled week, only worked one day and i'm going roofing with Andy tomorrow which is going to be hilarious as (and my family will back my up with this) I'm totally crap at physical labour!

Anyway. I'll let you know all about it.

Sorry, It’s been Fucking Ages

I've been really lazy recently, when it comes to this blog. And, I wish I can say that I'm going to write something substantial here to make up for my absence. But I probably wont.

I've been thinking a lot about profiles. I've been chatting on gaydar today.. even though I said I was going to delete my profile, but fuck it! It's easter and I thought, after a bump of K I would see what's out there.

I don't get guys who take photos of their cars and put them on their profiles. I don't care that you have an astra.

Oh, I (almost) pulled on Thursday, it was well funny. I went to the guys apartment, after only being in Essential for 20 mins, so he could get changed. We snogged for a bit.. and that was it! The fucker made me pay for a taxi home then had the ordasity to ask me to buy him a drink. If I could remember his name, or what he looked liked I would avoid him if I were you. But I probably wont… wow, that's the most schizophrenic thing we've said all day.

Told you there would be nothing substantial.

 

Oh, in local news. Got the job on the film. Touch Down is also nearly finished.

Much Love

(c)ANAL (s)TREET

Harry Potter 7 Covers!!

Insecurities

Its been an interesting few days. On Thursday I went to Pinewood studios to meet with a producer and director about working on a Feature Film, It seemed to go well and word is that they have not seen anyone else for the job, but it is a couple of hundred miles away and I don't drive. That's the only thing going against me I think.
I went out with some people from the film and Kat on Friday night, which was a lot of fun, I drunk way too much and the end of the evening is a little bit of a blur. Before meeting the guys I was already on it with Andy and Kev and his friend Leona, we went to Tribeca for lunch and the queer for one before going to see '300' at the IMAX. looks great, but there is not else much there.


After trying to get over my hangover on Saturday Mike and I went to see a cut of the film. It's still in it's early stages, but the content is defiantly there and the film looks and sounds great. Its quite heavy and even though it's 10/11 mins long, it only feels like 4 or 5, so It's one you'd want to see again, I think. So I'm confident we are onto some thing special.

Next week is my last week working for Carillion. I was supposed to finish at the end of April, but because productivity has been high a good number of us have had our contracts cut by a month. Which is a bit of a shit. funny how you think somethings are true, and you find out later that you're being strung along. It seems to happen in varying parts of my life, and I'm becoming quite wise to it.

I know what is curse is. Passion. It's both a gift and a curse.
I throw myself whole heartily into things, and it's been shaping my personality for years now. For example, I just couldn't come out, I exploded out. I can't quietly fancy someone, I fall in love with them. I have such strong emotions at times that I feel really let down by people, when they probably haven't done anything wrong. And recently, I've been feeling a lot more insecure and isolated. It's a strange thing to want something so much and have a feeling that it wont come off. Touch Down is a project that I've worked harder on than anything else, I've spend ages putting elements of the website together, a lot of them being vetoed and I guess I'm scared of loosing it. I've tip toed around people and bitten my tongue as I know that in the past I have screwed things up by opening my mouth when I shouldn't. I've seen the film once in a rough cut form and honestly, now, I can't remember any of it.

Promo

10 Days until Launch - The Countdown has begun

I'm talking about the countdown to the launch of www.findawayfilms.com and www.myspace.com/findawayfilms
"Only a few get to be born twice in a single month" the promo says, which yesterday I posted on my myspace page and the findaway myspace page. Cobbled together with stills from Touch Down, with a sexy track it's a little teaser for the film, but more than that it's an introduction to us.

I've been working on banners, internet ads and I'm starting to plug Touch Down and get some interest going.
We may just be this little short film that a few dozen people have worked hard to put together, but Findaway is capable of so much more. With Sex With Friends, Write me out of Rusholme, Conversations with Me and an untitled project based around the death penalty, all these ideas that are being bounced around at the moment certainly make for an interesting future that we hold.
It think it's certainly fortunate that between Mike and myself, together have much life experience and a passion that only a few understand. The fact also that we are both writers, I think it's apt that the promo ends with the words "for the love"
So, Are you sitting comfortably?
The Countdown has begun.

What If?

I could so quit my job right now.
I would pick up my bag and coat, and thank me supervisor for the last few weeks and I would walk out the door, light a cigarette and get on the bus. I'd then go home and hope that no one is in so I can look at some Internet porn and have a wank.
tomorrow I'd get up and shit a brick because of not having a job. I'd regret walking out and later in the day I'd probably have a panic attack.
Fucking Great.
I hate temping.

Rainbow LOVE

After literally 12 hours of sleep I'm beginning to feel at least half-human again. Saying that this job is so fucking boring and irritating that I'm having trouble keeping myself awake.

Last night my housemates have been talking about having me set up with someone, I would be nice to have a date with someone again... classic movie, dinner etc.. what ever happened to romance. Oh, I know exactly what happened to Romance. It got coked up.

I was talking to a colleague about Loose Change 911 yesterday and he gave me the look. The look that says, "you gullible bastad" and he directed me to some websites that debunk the film and the so-called "facts". I'm not sure what to believe, but I guess, I'm just going to agree with Stan (from South Park) It was a bunch of pissed off Muslims.
So now that I've solved (or given up on) the 911 extravaganza I'm going back to Romance.

So, I've been thinking about meeting men. Where? How? Who? And I've come to some conclusions.

1. Try not to compare the men you meet to someone, because you'll just want the person you are comparing them more and more.
2. Be confident. Even if I get shot down time and time again, I shouldn't let it get to me. If I get shot down, it clearly was never meant to be.
3. Meeting a guy off the Internet can be considered really sad, but then after sifting through cock shots and being asked "What am I into?" I think that perhaps using myspace or facebook may be a better way of meeting some. Yes, I will be deleting that gaydar profile.
4. Have more self respect. Do you know how many straight guys have fooled around with me? believe me, it's more than it should be. Even today, I should have more self respect. Afterwards, he's ashamed and I'm left with a head-fuck. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
5. Secrets and Lies. I rest my case.
6. Canal Street. Everyone in their drunken, drugged up state believe that they can pull that bloke from the Calvin Klein advert on the tube so they keep looking around for someone better and yes, if I'm talking about your boyfriend. He will cheat on you. (The Cunt)
7. Drugs. If you don't even know who you are then how the fuck is someone going to get to know you. What I would advise when meeting someone on drugs is to get him to write his name on the back of your hand. (I'm sure he'll understand)
   

I need to get laid

Isn't that Ironic?

I'm not too sure if this is ironic or not. But last night, while I was sitting with Kev (out of my face) I admit that I was utterly exhausted. But for some reason I didn't want to go to bed. The justification for this was that the weekend was nearly over and that even though I'd not slept since Friday night, I would rather be awake to experience my free time, rather than sleep through it. At the time, that seemed perfectly logical.
But
This morning and right now, I feel like I'm going to die. I'm concentrating all my energies into keeping my eyes open and I'm try to stay alive; and I'm wishing that yesterday I had just gone to sleep. Is that Ironic? I'm to tired to care, actually.

Konspire to Conspire

My blogs on a Monday seem to be having a recurring theme recently, and they all seem to be about how wasted I got and with whom, I throw in a few pictures of people being spaced out and sitting on the couch or something. And all the time I write it, I am sitting at work. Spaced Out and wishing, oh wishing so hard that the day will go quickly.
This weekend was pretty similar, I hung out at the hostel mainly with Alex chatting and then we came back to mine where we watched a really interesting documentary "Loose Change" it's a conspiracy theory documentary about 9/11. Now, I'm not usually a sucker for documentaries and I think you'd have to be a fucking retard to think that the US Government would actually be responsible for something like that. But then I saw the documentary and it really got me thinking. I invite all to download the film (which you can for free or watch it streaming from the website) and draw your own conclusions. find it at www.loosechange911.com
I'm coming down. I have hardly slept and fucking lazy stupid people keep asking me questions that they should already know the answers too. I've got 2 days off work for holiday this week because of London, but I feel like utter shit today and I really want to go home.. but I can't, there's too much to do.. "blah blah"
I also hear (from Alex) that facebook is the new Myspace. Do you use facebook? come find me and lets put it to the test.
Peace

Touch Down Screenshots

Well, it's been one hell of a journey, but this week, as I mentioned before I have got a dvd copy of the rushes and here are a few screenshots. You'll have to ignore the timecode I'm afraid, but I just want everyone to know that post production is well underway and I'm really excited.

I do ask one thing. Please don't copy any of these pics!


So for your enjoyment....

The weekend has landed...

...All that exists now is clubs, drugs, pubs and parties.

I've got 48 hours off from the world, man.

I'm gonna blow steam out my head like a screaming kettle,

I'm gonna talk cod shit to strangers all night,

I'm gonna lose the plot on the dancefloor.

The free radicals inside me are freakin', man!

Tonight I'm Jip Travolta, I'm Peter Popper,

I'm going to never-never land with my chosen family, man.

We're gonna get more spaced out than Neil Armstrong ever did,

anything could happen tonight, you know?

This could be the best night of my life.

I've got 73 quid in my back burner -

I'm gonna wax the lot, man!

The Milky Bars are on me! Yeah!

Proud

I'm trying to articulate how I'm feeling right now.
I'm sitting down with some pate (not exactly diet food, I know) and considering a bowl of Oatibix with some semi-skimmed milk because I missed dinner; because this evening I had drinks with Mike and picked up a copy of Touch Down's rushes on DVD. I've been watching them for the last 45 mins and I'm feeling so happy right now, it's amazing. The film looks amazing. Gritty and real, the acting is first class and (from what i've heard) sounds pretty darn good too.
I feel like i've finally found what I was always mean't to do. It's quite a feeling to be proud and humble all at the same time.
So I want to thank everyone who worked on this film. I believe we are all onto something very special, and what we may have is this little short film, I am so proud to have been apart of it. And I thank everyone involved, particularly Mike for saving my life.

Will be in contact with everyone shortly with a screening date. It'll most likely be a saturday at noon. Will let you know soon x

Full Steam Ahead

I've been pretty lazy about writing in this blog recently. But to be honest, there is only so much interesting stuff to talk about. I could talk about my job, but then you'd probably not want to ever read this again.
I could talk about my housemate who was upset that we went to bed and left the washing up (Kat said she'd do it in the morning) (but he never heard her) and he threw the plates and cutlery that was soaking in the bin!
I could talk about how minging it was that I had to pull the shit out the bin and sanitise it all, and when he came in from work, he never even mentioned it.
I could talk about the fact that the editor of Touch Down is receiving the paper edit tonight and so a rough cut will be done in the next week.
I could talk about the fact that Virgin Active will have to put up with me for the next couple of months as after feeling fatter than a beached whale when I went to essential last week I have decided to plough more than just £32 a month into my figure.
I could also talk about the fact that I'm really fucking impressed with the new series of South Park. And that some people are Literally offended. Very Offended.

But I will talk about the fact that in the next few days the first official screenshots of Touch Down will appear on this website.
And that a rather exciting opportunity has arisen and I've been asked to meet a director about working on a feature film as Production Co-ordinator. I'm keeping my gob shut for now; but It's all very exciting.

Oh, and if you have Gmail - Get Google talk (I can't use MSN at work)

Watch
This
Space

(oh, and I've decided on a new name for the corporate side of things. I did like Findaway Business Film, but after speaking with Mike, we've decided to keep corporate films separate from Findaway. So I'm going to call it 'Fluid'. Something rather sexual about that, don't you think?)

Peace

Watch IT

There are some things we watch. And there are some things we don't watch.





Like, take my new favourite movie of the moment for example, Pan's Labyrinth. It's a modern Gothic masterpiece. Merging fantasy and reality to unveil a story which bleeds across the screen in an horrific and addictive way. It comes across like a fairy tale, or a brothers Grimm story, but this story, told in the shadows, full of mystery and questions, is as good as the critics have been saying.





That is all.

Essentially Glamorous

This weekend was nothing short of mental…

Friday night I finished work and went straight into town to see Alex and we went to the Moon Bar for a much deserved Blanc, before heading back to Hulme where he finally got chance to come over and see the new Pad. Andy had sorted out some party favourites and after getting more wired than is healthy, I went back to the hostel with Alex and Kat to get a shower and iron some clothes (I don't know why I didn't do that at home, it just seemed like a good idea at the time) We then headed to Via on Canal Street and already half cut, we stopped for a pint, hooked up with Andy and went to Queer, for a few drinks and a good ol' dance… Queer was followed by Glam, then Essential, where I was totally off my face dancing like a twat, I felt totally fat as Alex and Andy took their tops off showing off their ribbed sweaty bodies.

Some thing rather amusing about Essential, people always seem to go to the loo in two's and three's!!!

We left Essential and came back to mine for a chillout, where after a few lines of Ketamine, I honestly didn't know what the fuck was going on… at about noon, I went to pick up my new phone and walking to get it I seriously could not move in a straight line.

Come home the K started to wear off and I just passed out for most of the day, I seriously contemplated going out on the Saturday night to Essential and Morning Glory with Andy, but I honestly think my body would have given up, so I stayed home, had a couple of lines and went to bed at about 3am. Sunday, disappeared in a haze as I passed in and out of consciousness.

K-Hole

Essential, Manchester Friday Night

























The Morning After...!

And Believe me... this is sooo true!!!!

Ketamine puts users in a dissociated state, meaning that they are less connected to both a sense of self and the reality around them. If a large enough amount is taken, users may go into or through a "K-hole", a state of wildly dissociated experience in which other worlds or dimensions that are difficult to describe with language are said to be perceived, all the while being completely unaware of their individual identities or the outside world. Users may feel as though their perceptions are located so deep inside the mind that the real world seems distant (hence the use of a "hole" to describe the experience). Some users may not remember this part of the experience after regaining consciousness, in the same way that a person may forget a dream. The "re-integration" process is slow, and the user gradually becomes aware of surroundings. At first, users may not remember their own names, or even know that they are human, or what that means. Movement is extremely difficult, and a user may not be aware that he or she has a body at all