Hindsight

Sometimes I feel like I'm kidding myself about so many things. I've found myself saying the words "I just give up" time and time again. It's like everything begun to slowley go downhill since I moved to London nearly a year ago.

Tom is wonderful. I couldn't of wished for a better boyfriend and when we met in August last year I could have said that I really did have it all, good friends, a job that allowed me to have a fantastic social life and above all else I'd fallen in love and had that love returned.

But in the last 12 months, so many things have happened that seem to have crushed my spirit. I found it hard to find freelance work once the so-called documentary "Imagine" was shelved I was scraping around for work - I managed to get a couple of jobs in, but then was a slave to the temping agencies with the whole "Just in case" at the back of my mind.

I'm 27 now and my indecision, or my wreckless hold onto a dream that has only partially been realised has really hit me hard. Looking back I should have stuck to one thing - and one thing only. If i'd stuck at one thing then I would have grown and developed and I probabily would be earning well and respected.

Free Spirits are Over Rated

I would prize myself on my free spirit nature. If I wanted to do something - move somewhere - drink until I was sick on myself - grab the local drug going and give that a try - I would - Life is apparently about experience - Climb the highest mountain and all that; and for a good 10 years I lived my life to that philosophy, and still, today I have a list of things that I have yet to achieve - but they leave no room for a career - But without that, in a city like London, you're nothing, nothing but a bum. I've clocked several times people use the phrase "some of us work for a living" yeah, like you're anything special.

So what's next? I feel like I need to achieve something. ANYTHING. it's like I need to know that as I enter 2009 I'm working towards something.
because being a free spirit costs.

Roofer? Me? I don't think so mate.

enough said.

dumping the moss... yuk

Apparently, Andy isn't wasted... all the time

How fab is this weather at the moment?!

I should be doing the right thing and sunbathing in Hulme Park, but I've just come back from my second day of helping Andy roofing and I have learned one thing. I am not a roofer.

First of all, I'm scared of heights.
yesterday I went up on the ladder and froze. I'm such a pussy.

Secondly, it's dirty. Really dirty.

thirdly, The roof tiles fuck up my hands.

Andy was on the roof jet spraying the moss off (there was over a ton of it) and I swept it up and bagged it. The thing is, the roof was MASSIVE. But I didn't whinge. Much.

yesterday evening was fun, deciding not to go out, Andy and I shattered had some Chinese food and pissed about on the internet. I introduced him to Camfrog, where we both found ourselves with our shirts off in the gay mens room teasing several people from around the world. A few bottles of wine later and it was nearing 11pm, so Andy suggested we go to cruz for a few hours. The plan was to be back by two. that was the plan, we start in spirit, then head to cruz and about 1.45, i'm like... Andy.. It's time to go, we got an early start... "lets get a drink".. "No, Andy, we have to go" After thrusting a bottle of poppers up my nose, I found myself dancing to a track from Dirty Dancing on the stage... then as I came to my senses, I was again "Andy, we have to go!!" literally dragging him off the dancefloor to the coat check, It was like trying to get a toddler to behave! we made it out of cruz and went and got some food and sat in the village chatting to different Random people.. there was this cool girl from Blackpool, But I haven't got a clue what we talked about...
After some much, Andy and I got into a taxi, which made it to the end of the road before Andy JUMPED OUT!!, I'm like "sorry mate" to the cab driver and chased Andy down the street..

"lets go to Essential"

"Andy, what the FUCK do you think you are doing?!"

"come on... we can finish the job on Monday, call the customer tomorrow and we'll finish it Monday"

"Oh My God"

after being dragged to Essential, where we met Russell and Kev, I had completely sobred up and was NOT in the mood at all. I had a vodka redbull, and I'm like "fuck this. I'm going home" and I left.... after finally getting a taxi, I got home to find Andy at the front door!

Chatting till about 5am. I got up this morning at 9, went to work, feeling like shit run over twice. I got back an hour ago, Andy and his boyfriend used up all the hot water, so now, I'm just waiting for it to reheat.

I'm so shattered.

Short, Sweet and LIVE!

Well, the findaway films website is finally up! it needs a lot of work still and is basic, but the bones are there.. just needs a little meat!

I've been having quite a chilled week, only worked one day and i'm going roofing with Andy tomorrow which is going to be hilarious as (and my family will back my up with this) I'm totally crap at physical labour!

Anyway. I'll let you know all about it.

Sorry, It’s been Fucking Ages

I've been really lazy recently, when it comes to this blog. And, I wish I can say that I'm going to write something substantial here to make up for my absence. But I probably wont.

I've been thinking a lot about profiles. I've been chatting on gaydar today.. even though I said I was going to delete my profile, but fuck it! It's easter and I thought, after a bump of K I would see what's out there.

I don't get guys who take photos of their cars and put them on their profiles. I don't care that you have an astra.

Oh, I (almost) pulled on Thursday, it was well funny. I went to the guys apartment, after only being in Essential for 20 mins, so he could get changed. We snogged for a bit.. and that was it! The fucker made me pay for a taxi home then had the ordasity to ask me to buy him a drink. If I could remember his name, or what he looked liked I would avoid him if I were you. But I probably wont… wow, that's the most schizophrenic thing we've said all day.

Told you there would be nothing substantial.

 

Oh, in local news. Got the job on the film. Touch Down is also nearly finished.

Much Love

(c)ANAL (s)TREET

Harry Potter 7 Covers!!

Insecurities

Its been an interesting few days. On Thursday I went to Pinewood studios to meet with a producer and director about working on a Feature Film, It seemed to go well and word is that they have not seen anyone else for the job, but it is a couple of hundred miles away and I don't drive. That's the only thing going against me I think.
I went out with some people from the film and Kat on Friday night, which was a lot of fun, I drunk way too much and the end of the evening is a little bit of a blur. Before meeting the guys I was already on it with Andy and Kev and his friend Leona, we went to Tribeca for lunch and the queer for one before going to see '300' at the IMAX. looks great, but there is not else much there.


After trying to get over my hangover on Saturday Mike and I went to see a cut of the film. It's still in it's early stages, but the content is defiantly there and the film looks and sounds great. Its quite heavy and even though it's 10/11 mins long, it only feels like 4 or 5, so It's one you'd want to see again, I think. So I'm confident we are onto some thing special.

Next week is my last week working for Carillion. I was supposed to finish at the end of April, but because productivity has been high a good number of us have had our contracts cut by a month. Which is a bit of a shit. funny how you think somethings are true, and you find out later that you're being strung along. It seems to happen in varying parts of my life, and I'm becoming quite wise to it.

I know what is curse is. Passion. It's both a gift and a curse.
I throw myself whole heartily into things, and it's been shaping my personality for years now. For example, I just couldn't come out, I exploded out. I can't quietly fancy someone, I fall in love with them. I have such strong emotions at times that I feel really let down by people, when they probably haven't done anything wrong. And recently, I've been feeling a lot more insecure and isolated. It's a strange thing to want something so much and have a feeling that it wont come off. Touch Down is a project that I've worked harder on than anything else, I've spend ages putting elements of the website together, a lot of them being vetoed and I guess I'm scared of loosing it. I've tip toed around people and bitten my tongue as I know that in the past I have screwed things up by opening my mouth when I shouldn't. I've seen the film once in a rough cut form and honestly, now, I can't remember any of it.